Buddhism has much to teach on the topic relationships, even though it may not seem that way at first. I mean what do the four noble truths (life is suffering; suffering is caused by attachment; it’s possible to stop suffering; there is an 8-fold path for doing so) have to do with figuring out how to love someone—or how to survive when someone stops loving you? Well, as a student of Buddhism and one who writes about relationships, I can tell you that every time I’ve tried to contextualize a Buddhist teaching as a way of understanding love, it works.
So not too long ago, I thought about the four noble truths and the three yanas in connection with that which we long for and fear the most: love. I don’t mean to be facile with these precious teachings. It’s just that I’ve been helped by them so much in matters of the heart and wanted to share them.
The four noble truths are as described above. The three yanas (or vehicles) are the Hinayana (foundational vehicle), Mahayana (great vehicle), and Vajrayana (indestructible vehicle.)
Hinayana teachings focus on personal conduct; getting your own life together.
Mahayana teachings are about what naturally happens next: your heart opens to others. You can’t help it. So the Mahayana is about compassion and recognizing the profound interconnectedness of all phenomena.
The Vajrayana is about working with every circumstance as an opportunity for complete enlightenment. Here one finds teachings on ordinary magic, crazy wisdom, and auspicious coincidence—the ways the world conspires to introduce you to your true nature.
With these ridiculously superficial explanations, let’s look at the four noble truths and the three yanas in light of relationships.
I made all this up, so please don’t take it too seriously.
Four Noble Truths of Relationships
1. Relationships are deeply uncomfortable.
Whether it’s your first date or tenth anniversary, there is simply an enormous amount of discomfort involved in relationships. We’re afraid of being hurt, disappointed, overtaxed, ignored. The interesting part is that all these things happen. This is just the way it is, even in happy relationships.
The thing no one tells you is that it’s impossible to stabilize a relationship. Yes, I really mean those italics. Impossible. The emotional exchange between two people shifts like grains of sand in the desert: some days you can see forever and some days you just have to take cover because something kicked up out of nowhere and now shit is flying all over the place. You can’t see two feet in front of you and it stings. On still other occasions, imperceptible winds cause little piles to slowly accumulate until, one day, a familiar path is altogether blocked. You just can’t tell what’s going to happen. And just like hiking in the desert, you have to be as absorbed in the present moment as you are attuned to atmospheric indicators. Woe to she whose attention to either lapses.
The bad news is you never get to where you thought you were going. You get somewhere else instead. The good news is that there’s basically no way to have a boring relationship.
2. Discomfort comes from trying to make the relationship comfortable.
At the root of the discomfort is the wish that it wouldn’t be uncomfortable, that we could eventually find the “right” person and relax. But the truth is that when you do find the (or a) right person, it’s anything but relaxing: your neuroses, their neuroses, and all the hopes and fears you’ve ever had about love flood your situation. Whether you bargained for it or not, you get introduced to your deepest self while someone else is trying to introduce you to their deepest self. It can get very confusing. But instead of wasting time trying to make it not confusing, better to dive right in and be really nice to each other as you consider the root of your own and his/her confusion. (Acting nice to each other in the midst of confusion is love. Shhh.) (PS Acting nice doesn’t always mean being all sweet and demure. But I digress.)
3. It’s the inability to create safety that plots the path to love.
True love seems to exist on some mysterious edge of its own. It can’t be controlled and when you try, it calcifies. To keep it alive, at some point you just have to let go and see what happens.
When you work with all this nuttiness, love becomes more than mere romance. It turns into something way better: intimacy. Romance has got to end, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. But intimacy? It has no end. You can’t be, “oh, intimacy, we’ve done that. What comes next?” Nothing comes next. That’s it. Discuss.
4. It is possible to work with the uncertainty skillfully.
Instead of flinging yourself kamikaze-like into the flame of love, you can train in working with the heat. As with anything you consider important (or life-threatening, for that matter), you don’t want to just show up and hope for the best. You want to play the odds.
Applying the view of the three yanas could help.
Three Yanas
1. Hinayana
As mentioned, Hinayana teachings are about personal conduct: right speech, right action, and so on. You get your own life in order through discipline, honor, and effort. You know how to make your bed, pick up your clothes, and make it to work on time. Basic stuff, but without which everything simply falls apart. Very important.
When applied to relationships, Hinayana view could mean things like calling someone when you say you will. Being on time. Having good manners. Listening when they talk and other such radical propositions.
2. Mahayana
When you are a stand-up human being, you can extend yourself to another in a more profound way. In fact, you want to. It just happens. You could find love and actually enjoy it.
Once you get into a relationship however, you find out something pretty disturbing: you have to love them back.
For whatever reason, all the relationship books and TV shows in the world seem to be about how to get love, not how to give it–which is quite a complicated proposition. Here’s the problem: most of us aren’t looking for someone to love. We’re looking for someone to cast in the role of boyfriend or girlfriend. Central casting, send me someone who has a job, a car, and speaks English! (My stringent requirements for potential boyfriends, back in the day.) You can get as specific as you want when you send in your requisition (I need someone with brown hair who likes dogs but not cats, enjoys rowing, and has never eaten at Hooters), but eventually that person is going to break character. Then what? Alarmingly, you have to dispense with all your requirements and have a look at the actual person in front of you. You see that this person is as important as yourself. This is the very teensy-tiny beginning of compassion: when you agree not to be the most important person on earth. But that’s okay. Now you can start to figure out what it really means to love.
3. Vajrayana
If the Vajrayana teachings are about meeting the circumstances of everyday life as a potential moment of transformation, then applied to relationships it could mean something like this: Every single thing that happens between you and your beloved is an opportunity to love more. Everything. Even crappy stuff.
Just as no one can tell you how to make giving birth or spilling your coffee into an opportunity to attain enlightenment, no one can tell you how to do so when your beloved leaves you for someone else or fails to empty the dishwasher. (Although he promised he would.) Big or small, heart crushing or annoying, delightful or irritating, no matter what happens, in the Vajrayana view it is fodder for wakefulness, for love. And just as with Vajrayana meditation practices, you can read books about how to do them and even have a great person teach them to you, but at some point you’re on your own. You have to figure it out for yourself.
The willingness to try is love itself. Isn’t it?
nothing here about “how to survive when someone stops loving you?”
how does buddhism help to deal with that?
Keep loving yourself
this was great. i think i’m going to send it to someone. thanks & keep writing.
(- from a random person who just bought your book.)
If you all want to hear Susan’s guest lecture on this subject at the Interdependence Project last month, you can find it on iTunes. It was a wonderful night!
refugeseeker, thanks for the incredibly important, not to mention difficult, question. I’m actually writing my next book on this very question. It’s called “The Wisdom of a Broken Heart” and will be out next year. Not very helpful, I know but I’m thinking so much about this very question and will post in the near future about it. In the meantime, a place to start is to note that in the suffering that comes with lost love is true wisdom. When your heart is broken, you are broken open. It doesn’t feel good, but as Leonard Cohen said in his song “Anthem,” “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
Is this what happened to you–someone stopped loving you? If so, I (and everyone who reads this blog, I’m sure) sends a lot of support your way!
Feel free to tell your story if you’d like.
All best, Susan
Susan, I think the application of the 4 noble truths to relationships is wonderful. However, I struggle with many Buddhist discussions about love because I feel as though they take “being in love” at least initially, as a given. So often I read being ‘awake’ compared to the first feelings of being ‘in love’ in its newness and excitement etc.
My problem is that I’m NOT in love with the man I’m dating. I like him very much, he’s the kindest person in the universe, he’s intelligent, he’s devoted and our sex life is pretty good. But I don’t feel the excitement or thrill of being in love. I’ve never felt it. I feel nice and mushy in bed with him, but I feel as though that’s circumstantial. I’m struggling to reconcile whether my desire for that feeling of excitement is emerging from the romantic comedy narrative structure I’ve been bred on (and that make me weep hysterically) or if I would be better off alone than with someone with whom I do not have strong feelings.
As a short historical context, before I became involved with this man I was briefly dating another man for whom I was head over heels for. I got burned with a capital B by him, and fell into a deep depression. “There is no point for wanting or desiring anything in this world,” was the refrain that belabored my mind, kind of a nihilist vision of Buddhism.
This other man came along. He was sweet and kind and helpful. I wasn’t particularly into him but I did not believe in love, and I believed I was Buddhist enough to simply accept the circumstances. Maybe MY fulfillment wasn’t so important. If this man loved me, maybe it was enough to attempt to make one person other than myself happy. Maybe he would be a good partner on the path of my life. Perhaps, together, we might benefit the world. How important is love, really? Other than in the sale of movie tickets.
I still wonder if I don’t believe that. I’m terrified of the prospect of truly wanting another person to return my affection. But I look out onto the romantic horizon of my life with this man and I want to take a nap.
I’m confused. What would you say?
Celia, wow….we are both going thru the same situation! Your letter expresses everything I am feeling right now.
I’m on my way to work and don’t have a lot of time to write, but in 2005, I became head over heels in love with an amazing man. We connected intellectually, spiritually, and the sex was the best ever for both of us. It was easy and comfortable to spend time with each other.
I grew to love him over the course of 3 months. It all felt so good and right. Natural. 2 months later, he tells me that he’s not in love with me, and my world falls apart. We continued to see each other as “friends w/benefits,” based on his suggestion. I had never done that before, but didn’t want to lose him, so I consented.
For awhile, it was enough, to see him 3 or 4 times (or more) a month for dinner, conversation, and great sex. In retrospect, we WERE dating, but without the committment or exclusivity we had previously. However,every time he’s leave my apt., I’d fall apart.
So…last Feb. 9th (2007), we had dinner to talk. The short of it was that we both decided that the “friends w/benefits” scenario was holding us back from pursuring other relationships. My respsonse was that, yes, I was not interested in dating anyone else, as I had found what I needed in him….AND…that I felt we really could have a chance at something special if only we could try. We parted friends, and my soul grieves for him EVERY day!
We’ve seen each other socially 3 times since then, and it’s still apparent that we still have that special something that brought us together 3 years ago. Chemistry. Kindred spirits. Kismet. I don’t know what to call it, but I truly feel that our meeting 3 years ago was not random, and that we are missing out on something special by not being together.
Currently, as you, I am dating a wonderful, caring, intelligent,devoted, hugely successful man. I don’t feel the excitement or thrill of being in love that I had with Ron. I am not in love with this new guy, but I do like him quite a bit. He too is comfortable and easy to be with.
To quote from your beautiful letter: “Maybe MY fulfillment wasn’t so important. If this man loved me, maybe it was enough to attempt to make one person other than myself happy. Maybe he would be a good partner on the path of my life. Perhaps, together, we might benefit the world. How important is love, really? Other than in the sale of movie tickets.”
I do believe that love is important. Even a year later, I find it hard not to pick up the phone or send an email to Ron wanting to talk. Moving on has never been this hard for me!
I think of myself as a reasonably intelligent, sensitive, compassionate, spirit-filled man. Heretofore, I have been successful and have lead a wonderful life. Now, without that special connection Ron and I shared, I feel as if I’m just going thru the motions of life…no real sense of direction or fulfillment. Am I depressed? Yes, but this is beyond depression. My soul has been cut in half, and I have no idea how to stitch it back together.
Yesterday, I stayed in bed and cried for most of the day. Surfing the web in my grief, I discovered Susan Piver. I think this is Spirit’s way of letting me know that I will be OK. I understand that intellectually, but emotionally I feel blizted…in constant pain…and, sometimes, I want to just curl up and die.
Thank you for sharing, and I hope that Susan will respond to both of our situations.
I hope that we can both find peace, answers, and healing soon.
Rich
Alexandria, VA
Celia, many apologies for the delay in responding to your incredibly intense and heartfelt post. The questions you raise are so incredibly important and also very confusing. Actually, now that I’ve started this response, I think I should blog my answer to you, and also to Rich. I hope this is okay. But comments are just not going to cut it with questions and feelings this deep… So stay tuned… In the meantime: I can’t say this loud enough: CELIA AND RICH: YOU WILL GET OVER THIS AND IN TIME WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH NOW WILL MAKE SENSE. OK, off to write a response to the two of you.
Rich,
I am sending metta (lovingkindness) to you from right here in Alexandria, VA where we live, too. One thing I can share that has helped me in the years after my separation and divorce was the idea that my feelings/emotions are not me – not the real me, at least. What we all are, at our core, is light and love. I have, over time, tried to bring awareness to the moment when I have an emotion and then to recognize that the emotion is just like a passing cloud. I say to myself “I am aware that there is great sadness” rather than “I am sad”. It helps to put a bit of distance between the emotion and my true self – not that I am suppressing it, but rather acknowledging it without identifying with it. Eckhart Tolle’s book The New Earth explains this really well. And, healing does occur over time……be gentle with yourself
I recently got married again and I am very happy. I grew alot as a person because of the experience I went through.
Ann
Dear Susan & Ann: Thank you both for your kind words, and for sending loving kindness my way. Every day is still a struggle in trying to make sense of this situation, and to move forward with my life, but I have taken Susan’s advice just to be still… and realize those “There is nothing going on here” moments. They are few…and far between…but the profound peace I have discovered–albeit a nanosecond here and there–gives me hope that my soul and heart ARE healing.
I also heard the wife of the professor who is dying of pancreatic cancer, Randy Pausch, say something on TV recently that gets her thru the tough moments.
When Jai Pausch is about to be overwhelmed by the thoughts of losing her beloved husband, and her mind races with fear, anxiety, and dread, this brave lady asks herself: “Is this helpful?”
I tell myself this EVERY day when I become anxious, lonely, depressed, or fearful, and I have to say that these three words have great power to induce a sense of peace in my heart. I then ask my spirit to provide me with helpful, healing words and feelings to replace the negative. It works!
Just thought I’d pass this along to the blog.
May we all continue to help each other find understanding, peace and healing. I look forward to your next book on this topic, Susan!
Rich
Alexandria, VA
Hi Rich. So great to hear how you’re doing. Those nanoseconds add up imperceptibly. And it sounds like you are really learning to work with your own mind–to notice your thoughts and try to remind yourself at every turn that there are choices in where to place your attention.
The question “is this helpful” is a wonderful one. I really appreciate you sharing it with everyone.
And Ann’s suggestion of saying “I am aware of sadness” instead of “I am sad” is a huge, huge leap. It gives a sense of fresh air between you and the emotion. You can look at it, understand it, and even feel it more precisely than when you’re awash in it. And this ability to feel is key–otherwise you run the risk of shutting down, which is understandably tempting. But the road to emotional shut-down is the road to despair…
In the Buddhist view, the very first step when confronting difficulty is to make friends with it–meaning get to know it. Let it in. Invite it, even. Then there is the chance of working with it which is always better than fighting or ignoring.
“I am aware that there is great ____.”
“Is this helpful?”
Two wonderful suggestions for working with your mind. Thanks to you both.
Love, Susan
Hi Rich and Celia,
If you’re still following this thread, I have a thought to add. I think you cannot separate out your feelings of love for the persons it didn’t work with from the fact that they were unavailable to you. If you fully love them, you have to love that it couldn’t work with them because their personalities also produced the failure of the relationship. As whole people, they embody both the qualities you appreciate as well as the qualities of not being there for you in the way that you wish. These cannot be separated out. And the bigger chore is to love the fantasy of them as well as that they are the person with whom it couldn’t work. I think the excitement of the in love feelings comes very much from the other perosn’s unavailability and the harder thing to do is sit in the calm presence of someone who is available to us. When our feelings of intense desire are not being activated, we have to experience being present. And this is hard to do. It is fun to chase the illusion of in love, but the real test is to appreciate what is before you. If what you have now were to be taken away you would probably feel more in love for it.
Kat
LA, CA
thank you kat, i found that to be unbelievably insightful and so true.
ps. im in la too, if you have any suggestions of new places of study, id love some suggestions. [my emails attached]
This was just the discussion I was looking for. We’re all in the process of learning the same (or related) lessons here, and I’d like to share my bit. Two years ago, I wrenched myself out of a strange and painful relationship and found myself immediately involved with somebody in a completely opposite way. Instead of intensity. excitment and frustration…peace, calm and acceptence. Well, it was hard to accept because it all seemed too easy, like there was nothing there. I think we are all addicted to intensity for one reason or another and as long as we can stay present, we’ll find that gradually sense will dawn on us. ‘love’ and ‘lack of” are both delusions if we find that we are buffeted by them.
Hi Richard. Thanks for comment. I think a lot of us understand the “addiction to intensity…” A difficult one to work with…
Dear Richard, Susan, Celia, et al: It has been almost 6 months since my first post to this blog. I check in to read the threads occasionaly, and I am so thankful to discover other compassionate souls so willing to give their own advice to getting over a broken heart.
I was hoping that a 5-week work assignment in China this past summer would help me totally forget about my broken heart, but it seemed to stow away with me on the plane to Beijing. I’ve even thought about moving from here (Virginia, which I love) to make a new start for myself. In this uncertain economy, I’m not sure if moving away and starting over at 43 is a good idea, although the idea does hold some appeal. Leave the memories here in Virginia; move on to create a new life and new memories. Is that too crazy of an idea to consider?
Kat, I read your post back in August. I re-read it many times to try to absorb the layers of profound truth there. I never thought about the reasons that we love someone can also be the reasons it doesn’t work out. Incredible observation.
Richard, I understand the addiction to intensity, which was a substantial part of the attraction to the guy I loved. The relationship was easy- going, calm, low maintainence, yet the inensity of our intellectual exchanges, quiet spirit-filled moments, and our physical passion were nothing like I had ever experienced before. I was 40 years old then, and thought that I had finallly found the perfectly balanced relationship I had always yearned for.
When the ax fell, there were no signs foreboding the end. I was caught completely by surprise, and had not even entertained the idea of this not working out; I had not prepared myself an exit plan as I had done in previous relationships.
I find encouragement in the generosity of the folks who blog here. I have to say just re-reading what I’ve written here, I am not pleased that I continue to re-hash, re-visit, and re-explain this sad part of my life…to the readers of this site or to myself. How do I stop trying to figure this out, and just accept that it’s over because it’s over? Fine. “It’s the laughter we’ll remember,” you know? gag…
I think I just really messed up with the new guy I was dating. He is calm, low maintence, very intelligent, successful…everything I should be attracted to, but that undefinable “it” of attraction just isn’t there. After nearly a year, this new guy, Bob, and I have really become more friends than boyfriends and I am OK with that to a degree. I just wonder how I would feel or react (or repsond) if there hadn’t been Ron in my life first. I think there is a hard-earned lesson of emotional maturity here, if I could only make sense of it and apply it to my life. I still feel that my thinking is fuzzy, and that I am not making the best decisions for myself based on this constant pain.
How can I stop comparing any potential new men to this crazy, unavailable, and emotionally dangerous Ron, whom I can’t seem to get over? My God, it’s been over for 3 years now!
I would be happy to be alone for the rest of my life IF this pain would go away.
Susan, I am REALLY looking forward to your new book!
Thanks to all of you,
Rich
Alexandria, VA
I am in the midst of what all of you describe, especially Rich. I can not express my heartfelt gratitude for finding this blog and all of your posts. I know deep in the essence of who I am, that all of this (life, love, break-ups) is for a reason. I am also succumbing to the fact that I don’t have to know the reason, just trust it will make itself known if I remain open to see/learn it.
Again, my heartfelt thanks to all of you for helping me in this time of (fill in the blank, I don’t have words for it) …
Emm
Bless you all! I’m a 28 year old, successful, empowered, at peace man who has been in an on-and-off relationship for three years with a gilr six years younger than me.
As I look back at the past and how we started off in that drama of role-playing each other’s dream girl/guy, and how we’ve fought, parted, reunited, cheated, disappointed, laughed, loved, and forgiven a hundred times over, I want nothing more for it to end! LOL
I want to FEEL something rather than to think that this might be the ‘right’ relationship for me. I want to be with someone for whom I would rather loose everything than be without. I don’t have that.
Just like so many of us, I had that once, but then later, as I came to the Path, realized it was not indeed love, but that firey excitement of feeling a connection for the first time.
Dating since then has been one lesson after another. Amazing young women with amazing potential, but no one who ‘did it’ for me, whatever that means.
Lately, perhaps to assuage my guilt over my current situation and the numerous times I’ve broken it off only to let her back in, I’ve been thinking that it is more about the Relationship between you than you two as individuals.
Even as those following the Dharma, we have to recognize our own responsibility and choices in our lives. We have to acknowledge that learning is not a passive event, like soaking up sun rays. It is an active event – a relationship in itself – like gardening.
We interact with the sun, rain, earth, seeds, etc. We kill plants, we grow weed patches, and once in a while we get a blossom. (God, how hard it is not to look for blossoms!)
Anyway, I digress. I’m seeking in myself the strength to finally leave this relationship, but at the same time feeling afraid that I am making a mistake and throwing something away….
…I am afraid that I am the one who is messed up, and who is messing up this opportunity for love, rather than seeing this opportunity for love as being wonderful yet unfulfilling to my deepest self.
Sorry, that was long and unedited… Susan, if you have any ideas…
Namaste.
Terrific and timely article as related to what Im experienceing in my life, thank you! Ive had the ONLY girl I actually felt a real connection with in the last 7 years end things after only 4 dates, and it brought to light several things for me. Namely seeing my own attachment to the “outcome” of relationships, and the fear in every case that “this may be my last chance at LOVE!” accompanied by the dissappointment when it doesnt live up to my immense expectations. On an intellectual level I know this fear of, I suppose not finding “the one”, is not in alignment with how I want to approach relationships, but emotionally, with every attempt at finding a partner, it seems to be sabotaging me. I also see that I can have more compassion for the people who felt a strong connection with Me when I didnt, as I now know what that feels like…
Derek, thanks for your comment. It sounds like many light bulbs went off! If you care to let me know how you’re doing now, I’d love to hear. S.
What is love? What is lust, What is companionship? What is security? All these things are inter woven in our relationships to different levels of intensity. When we lose these things, the gap, the hole or emptiness within ourselves widens and we constantly seek to full fill our lose and never finds satisfaction. That is the nature of our desires and defilements, constantly searching to gratify of our emptiness, creating endless stimulation to feel our own existence.
We are caught up in this current of existence and unable to fathom how the mind operates on our selves and succumb to endless suffering. We need to accept the realities of life, one small step at a time and cultivate to let-go of the most beloved things in our lives as they are subject to impermance, suffering, decay and change. It is hard at first, but as you develop endurance and patience (though mindfulness) it will eventually give the strength to remain clam and have insight despite our loses.
In Buddha’s time a lady by the name Kisa Gotami lived in India. She was named Kisa because she was skinny and tall. But she had inner beauty. One fine day a rich merchant fell in love with her and married her. But her in-laws did not like her because she was unattractive, poor and was from a lower cast than her in-laws. Nonetheless, she gave birth to a beautiful son and she was finally accepted by her in-laws. The boy grew for few years joyfully, one day, suddenly fell ill and passed away. That day Kisa Gotami knew she lost everything, love and acceptance by her husband’s family. There was nothing for her to go back to, she refused to accept the death of this child, carried him around from house to house and told everyone the child is sick and would like to have some medicine; She became tired, distressed and driven by madness just happen to run to the temple Buddha was preaching at the time.
Buddha, knew he couldn’t preach Dhamma (truth) to a person in such a distressed state, instead he promised her that he would give life to the child if she brings a handful of mustard seeds from a house that no one has ever died. She ran from house to house with the child, seeking mustard seeds, but eventually she came to understand that there was not a single house where no body has died. She realised the true nature of existence buried the little child, went to Buddha, clamed her mind, reflected upon the true nature of suffering; contemplated upon the nature of the flame of a lamp in her room and seeing the comparison between the constantly changing and burning nature of that flame and the burning desires within ourselves reached insightfulness to the truth. We are very much like that flame, our desires are the fuel (oil) keeping us (flame) ticking from this minute to the next .
Now compare this story to our situation and see that our loss is not so bad compared to Kisa Gotami’s loss. In this present moment, due to the intensity of your recent feelings, it is overwhelming but with time it will become a distant memory and lose its intensity. Don’t dwell in it, don’t go on thinking about it because mind will lead you to extreme distress. Move on, understand this is mind phenomena and that you are taken for a ride by its trickery, and don’t get trapped in it.
Go and lead your normal life, go for walks, be generous, help others, take the experience as a positive thing, learn from it, it will make you a stronger person. That is the lesson we take from it and make this life a journey of learning. One day you will all come out of it as nothing is permanent in this existence.
Next time you get involved in what ever relationship be mindful of the way things operate and be prepared to accept reality, which Buddha called Sati. It is the gateway to insight and will show you how mind phenomena works within yourself. You will be fascinated to find out how these things work on you. Have a glass of water, take a deep breath, smile, you will be all right my friend. I fully understand you, With Compassion and Love, Amali.
Hi Susan, All,
I’ll jump straight to the bottom line: in my opinion, relationships only work when you’ve realized that the only way to love someone is to help them out of delusion. And delusion is attachment to ANYTHING. Including you.
It may seem stark to say that. But if you really understand emptiness and all of its implications, then I think it’s clearly the only choice.
It may seem like an incredibly lonely life that results from this insight, but in my opinion, it’s the only path to liberation. Anything else amounts to attachment to something, which is a delusion. Besides, how can you be lonely, when you don’t exist, and the only thing that really exists is the peace of enlightenment?
Hi A Seeker. It gets very complicated, for me, to try and craft any sort of methodology around relationships, love, or basically anything else. Methodology itself is an “attachment” (whatever that means) to a particular point of view. I think. In any case, I appreciate your effort and intention to find a way to make relationships work. Anything that works is good.
I’d appreciate any other perspective on how to live a happy love life… without heading straight for what A Seeker has described. I see no happiness there, no point in continued existence if attachment is truly something to be avoided at all costs. I cling (yes, cling!) to the hope that the Buddha meant something else than “Get rid of attachment!” when he said attachment is suffering. (I hope that with his next statement, “Suffering can be eliminated”, he implied there was a way to live attachment sanely, without delusion).
I can’t live my life in disconnection of others, holding them at arms’ length so I won’t get burned. It can’t be possible that true love means only giving from a place of not needing anything–how do you get to the state of not needing when you’ve been starved your whole life since infancy? How do you develop the capacity to give true love (and not need it in return) when nobody ever gave you the template, no one ever showed you what it is, or why it’s even good in the first place?
How can it be any good to live life one-way, only giving? Why can babies die from lack of affection if it’s true that attachment is a delusion?
This is not correct. If Buddhist teachings are followed closely one would see that balance may be obtained if these neuroses form both side – that you take for granted to inherently exist – are appeased at least in one of the individuals in the relationship.
The passionate relationship burns out quickly, like an item catching fire. Once the object is burned up, there’s nowhere else for the flame to go, but out. My deepest connection was with a man who was out of control and this ended in his death. This was at the height of our emotional connection to one another and I wanted to die along with him. Such intensity and fire and then suddenly…nothing. I dreamed of him. I still dream of him from time to time nine years later. I was young, immature and making bad decisions back then. I had never quite had to grapple with death, let alone the sudden, violent death of my chosen life partner. I had to begin to understand the fragility of being human, the smallness of my existence. I never really, truly looked for God until then. I was suicidal, gave up on everything. I couldn’t seem to even take my own life…believe me, I tried. Now, I have been “reborn”. I went to officer candidate school for the marine corps. I had every comfort removed from my life and found that all there was for relief was God. I learned about doing the right thing “even when noone is looking”. I struggled with making good decisions. I was injured and discharged from the military and went home to a good friend coming down with menangitis and dying along with her unborn child, my apartment caught on fire and I became homeless (living with various friends until it was repaired), my car was vandalized, then the window was smashed out and the radio stolen until finally someone just stole my car. Somehow, I was bringing on my own suffering. The decisions I made on a daily basis affected the outcomes in my life. I graduated college and made a life with my long time friend with benefits, turned boyfriend. The passion was never there…not like with my departed love, but I knew that with great passion came great agony. I never wanted to feel that again. I had to choose between my friend and a new, passionate, heart-stopping love I had found. I chose to skip the passion. I knew it wouldn’t last. I have been with my now-husband for six years. We have a 3-year-old son (I had always wanted a son first) and a 1-year-old daughter (I always wanted a boy and a girl). I am now working in my dream job after years of being miserably employed and then has a restless housewife. I have found my passion in my career, saving the lives of animals. I truly believe we create our own outcomes. If you don’t want to be happy with the person you are with, you won’t. You can only change yourself, and look how hard THAT is.
(I apologize in advance for the length and potentially rambling nature of this post. If anyone can make it through reading, or make any sense of it I’d appreciate your thoughts. What has been written here so far is very insightful and just caused many questions to tumble forth…)
What Christine wrote is both incredibly tragic and also uplifting. It sounds so simple, and I hope someday I can experience that. I started reading this blog because I am in a relationship with a man I never thought I would have been with. I have tried at least in theory to not hold to tight to expectations of what I want or expect in a partner, knowing that in theory it doesn’t work.
I worry now that perhaps I stayed with this man for 3 + years only BECAUSE he was so different than what I would have chosen for myself. Now, I am questioning if this has been a huge mistake, or if my fear and attachment are causing me to doubt what may be perfectly fine. Am I suddenly looking to this relationship to provide me with more than it is fair to? Or is it truly lacking something that I have been ignoring…
I am questioning many things right now in my life, knowing I am not happy and trying to separate my truth from circumstances. I don’t want to make this relationship, or any other single aspect of my life a scapegoat for not feeling happy. I know that true happiness is an internal search (or non-search, since my inner truth is supposed to be right here…) but my question is that in the mean time, while I am trying to sort out where the source of my feelings of unhappiness are coming from, and how to find and accept the truth of myself, I fear I am leading this man on who loves me dearly because I don’t know if what i feel for him is enough to make this work. Once I figure out what “my problem” is so to speak, how do I tell what is still “our problem”? will things with him will feel different, or does it matter? Do I need to wait for enlightenment to know what to do about this relationship?
As Christine said “if you don’t want to be happy with the person you are with, you won’t”. Does that mean we can be happy with anyone we choose? I am not searching for tumultuous passion,…we have a calm life, we are very tender, there are good things here.. But common interest, views, – is that so wrong to want? This man and I have so little in common that I wonder if in 10 years (or even 2) we will be staring blankly at a wall with nothing to say. Yet something has kept it going for over three years. I can’t tell which one of these feelings is the one to act on
We are to recognize the difference between “I feel unhappiness right now”, and “I am unhappy” but does that mean we are to disregard the feeling as an indicator of what we should do? Feelings are not to be ignored, right? Just acknowledged for what they are… so what ARE they, and how do we use them to make decisions?
Clearly I have not discovered my inner truth and happiness or maybe this would all be more obvious. But even if you are at peace with yourself you still have to translate that elusive truth into daily decisions: Which job do I want, where do I want to live, what characteristics in a partner- beyond love – are needed to sustain over time? How do you know? I am not talking about looking to any one of these to PROVIDE happiness, but surely these choices are not made in a vacuum. Can we choose any stranger off the street, and, if we are content enough with ourselves, somehow make a lasting partnership with them? Is that the ultimate goal of enlightenment?
In an earlier post, Celia wrote:
“Maybe MY fulfillment wasn’t so important. If this man loved me, maybe it was enough to attempt to make one person other than myself happy. Maybe he would be a good partner on the path of my life. Perhaps, together, we might benefit the world. How important is love, really?
There is something that rings very true to this, and something that tastes self indulgent. I too am much more inclined to suffer silently than to cause it for others, and this is the kind of thinking that elevates that behavior. But if my boyfriend knew I was thinking our relationship, about him, in this vein it would hurt him terribly. Who am I to decide for that he doesn’t deserve equal love in return? I don’t know if these thought are me trying to talk myself into, or out of this relationship, and this is where I hoped Buddhism would direct me. How does learning to let go of expectations, attachments, and fear tell me what I want? Who to love? What love is? And what will work? I can ignore the assumptions I have about what I thought I wanted, and make this relationship work but how do I know it’s worth it? Following Buddhism, I should eliminate those assumptions anyway, but should I be in a relationship that feels like it needs so much sacrifice to work?
We treat “Love” as if it is in a separate category from the other emotions we are supposed to detach from. But is it just another attachment or emotion? Should we distinguish between “I am in love” and I am “feeling love right now”.
In these posts love is spoken about as if it transcends the search for self – not one of the things we are to discard, but a truth we can refer to. Maybe it’s my-self doubt but It seems to me that everyone here speaks so assuredly about love. They know for a fact when it’s present and when it’s not. Does that mean there is something wrong with me because I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is love? I really just don’t know. It’s like trying to shine a light on a shadow to inspect it more closely.
This is fear, I’m afraid to hurt him and I don’t know if the right thing is to wait more, sit more, let something reveal itself to me, or do I owe it to him to cut this off? Are these doubts actually my inner self directing me, or my superficial self being afraid? I feel equally afraid to act on either instinct, and I know that I must find a way to let go of that fear, but in the mean time I have a terribly confused and hurt boyfriend and no answers for him. Enlightenment is not his thing nor is searching for inner truth. He is a very what-you-see-is-what-you-get man, and I don’t know what to say to him.
Change is the only constant..always accept it with a smile and you will be happy despite of whatever the past is…
Hmmmm… i don’t disagree with any of this, but can you say anything about the beginning aspect to a relationship? This is only good advice For reasons i can never figure out, i can almost never seem to get past that part.
My criteria are a little different from yours, but if they’re unreasonable i can’t see where/how, or what i’m doing wrong (if anything? I don’t know…) A) Someone i’m attracted to B) Someone who’s attracted to me C) Meeting that person at a time where we’re both available and receptive to each other. That probably describes most or all relationship connections, but somehow i find it an almost impossible combination to put myself into. It doesn’t seem to make a difference how willing to love i am, and over time it’s made me more withdrawn. The more strongly i love, the more intimidating it is. The less i love, the less interest there is.
Much of the insight you give up there seems to only be useful if you’re already in a relationship.
I can talk to anyone about almost any aspect of spirituality and life conduct, i can help and heal others, set others going on the path to having a life full of love, but i have never been able to do any of that for myself, and that causes me great sadness.
Sorry if that all comes out as a bit of a jumbled brain dump, but i find this topic incredibly frustrating. Nothing throws me off my focus more successfully.
You’re correct, this post is about relationship, not so much about falling in love. I wish I could offer some advice about that phase of things, but it is just a complete mystery. To me.
It is indeed frustrating to be thrown off your focus in this way, but I think that is also part of the gift. Wishing you the best! Susan
I want to thank you for writing this. This is exactly what I needed. I find myself in a situation where I’m an unexpectant father and I’ve made the decision to raise the child with the mother even though we’re not technically ” a couple”. I love the concept of working on yourself first so you can be all you need to be for the other person. I love the fact that you also let us know that it’s ok or the relationship to be uncomfortable and that it is constantly changing. This has helped me so much and I thank you. Wish us luck!
I am so happy this was helpful and I do indeed wish all three of you luck! With love, S