5 Ways to Tell.
Here are some things to consider when trying to decide if s/he is “the one.”
1. Sex is hot
OK, this probably isn’t what most experts would tell you. Everyone knows sex isn’t the basis for a long-term relationship, right?
Or maybe it is. When you’re crazy attracted to a person, that means something. It’s not an accident. And though the heat is bound to be turned down at some point, the chemistry remains. When you simply like the way a person smells, this is good. When you like their touch, this is also good. This kind of thing tends to last. It marks a primal connection that goes beyond compatibility lists and can hold a relationship together through horrendous times. When skin loves skin, touch can trump almost any disagreement.
You should love this person’s flesh.
2. S/he is nice.
I know people make lists of qualities they desire in a prospective mate, and “nice” isn’t usually up there with the loftier qualities such as intelligent, funny, responsible, etc. But I’m telling you—“nice” is the most important quality there is. S/he can be the smartest, funniest, most industrious person on earth, but if s/he lacks common kindness, generosity, open-heartedness, and decency, those other qualities are bogus. Don’t be fooled by flash. Or cash.
S/he should be very, very nice.
3. There is some uncertainty
Whenever I hear someone say, “s/he’s perfect,” or “s/he is all I’ve ever dreamed of,” I become suspicious. Is this person living in a movie or a real life? Are they idealizing their loved one? In which case, they are having a relationship with themselves, not him/her.
Some uncertainty (Is s/he really right for me?) and everyday irritation (You hate the way s/he loads the dishwasher or always loses things) mean you’re in a relationship with an actual human, not a cartoon.
So s/he should bug you a little bit.
4. When it comes to the things you care about most, you can talk to him/her about those things.
It’s totally OK if you have nothing in common—as long as you can talk about what you do/believe/aspire to with him/her and s/he really listens. S/he doesn’t have to embrace your views as his/her own, s/he just has to care that you care about them.
S/he should make you feel that your beliefs and aspirations are of interest.
5. You can imagine loving him/her a little bit more than the relationship.
This is the kicker. This is the big one.
Once I lived in another country and was going out with someone I loved a lot. But I was young and thought I should probably go back to my own country for the long haul. When we talked about breaking up, he told me he supported my inclination to leave him, even though it made him really, really sad. Why? Because, he told me, I love you more than I love us.
What a guy.
This is the key to the whole thing, ladies and gentlemen. If you can always hold your love for him/her just slightly above your love of the relationship you have, you will be capable of creating a truly happy bond. Really. Try it.
Love him/her a little bit more than you love “us.”
Ah, number five. Yes, yes, yes.
#5. Aaaah. Giant exhale on that one…
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
And – Yes.
Every one of these rings absolutely true to my experiences. Thank you for putting them so well, so succinctly.
I want to email this to every young person I know who’s looking for love, perfection, or on the verge of the bad kinda compromise.
Wouldn’t that be awesome?! Young people! Love is completely real, just not the way you think it is. Probably.
ah, i feel lucky. thank you.
You are lucky. She is too.
These guidelines are lovely-
I agree with all of them- but #2 is a little tricky-
What if a person is nice, in general, but not so nice to you?
I think i just answered my own question..
Thanks
Ruthe, if only all questions could be answered this easily!
Ok. These are great, but what happens when the ‘one’ breaks your heart?? Is there going to be another ‘one’? Was this the only ‘one’? I have to admit that I read this hoping it would affirm that he wasn’t the ‘one’, but alas…
Hi,
I recently ended an on again off again relationship with a woman where the sex was amazing and we had a lot of fun together at times, but she was dishonest and very crisis prone… The relationship brought us both a lot of suffering.
Since ending the relationship, I noticed that I was becoming a much more loving person. Loving, cherishing, compassion, and joy have been more a part of my life. I have been reading a lot about Buddhism and about how to make this even more a part of my life (meditation, being more present, cultivating these loving parts of myself, and loving and cherishing others more than myself, etc…. what a wonderful, joyous and amazing thing!!!) I have met many people Buddhist and non Buddhist who are amazingly loving (when I am open to it, I find it in so many places …. one of my teachers has taught me to bring my own happiness and joy to all beings and life …. wow !!!)
So, here’s the rub. One of the wonderful and loving people that I have met is a woman who is not attracted to me sexually, and I am not attracted to her sexually. We go for dinner, movies, walks, talk about love, life, meditation, past relationships…. and we do good and kind things for one another. If she were to tell me that she found the love of her life, I would be very happy for her.
Part of me yearns for the passion that I had with my ex and part of me says “grasping for that will only bring misery.” Can we have 1 through 5? Am I doomed to be a celibate though increasingly joyous and loving “monk?”
I can sit with the feeling that something is missing, but I still can’t seem to get over it. Hmmmmm.
This writing is helpful. I appreciate your thoughts about this.
Much love and joy to everyone.
And what if he is nice to you, yet hurtful and disrespectful to the few people he truly dislikes?
Marie, I’m glad he is nice to you but is unkind to anyone else. This would definitely raise a red flag for me. Have you discussed this with him?
Thanks, Susan; I was shocked to find that the new person I’m dating seems to fit all 5 of these items! PS: It was wonderful to see you read at Porter Square Books in Cambridge MA- very moving for me and my friend (we were the young ones with the giggles!) Metta. -s
Sarah, so glad the person you’re dating fits the bill! And thanks for coming to my book signing and it was great to watch you and your friend giggle… xo S
Lovely distilled truth. So helpful.
Dina, how are you feeling now? I think there can be more than one “one,” btw!
Swikabi, thanks so much for your really thoughtful comment and apologies it took me so long to respond. There is actually nothing I like better than hearing from people and I get upset with myself when I indicate anything to the contrary!
I think we can have 1 through 5. But you can’t force 1 through 5. If one of those things isn’t there, even if the other 4 are present in spades, there’s just nothing you can do about it. Especially #1. Sexual attraction is either there or it isn’t. At least that’s my experience.
It’s great to find soul-friends, as it sounds you have with the woman you mention. Don’t think that the choice is either wonderful sex with a drama queen or no attraction to a person who is otherwise fabulous. There are definitely in-betweens and I hope you find them! The middle way is always possible!
Please keep us posted. Many people struggle with exactly the issues you mention.
Love, Susan
Hi Susan,
it took a while to understand the fifth one: “You can imagine loving him/her a little bit more than the relationship.”
Now, I get it, it feels good, there is a kind of relieve, to see that I love her more than our relationship, this ease the let go.
She is also going back to the State after leaving 2 years in France, and ending our relationtship.
Thanks,
Christophe
PV: I know the post is out-dated, but I wanted to share and tell my gratitude to Susan.
I appreciate this comment! Wishing you well–S