(handy for working with strong emotions in general)
Nothing feels worse than a broken heart, the kind you get when someone you love ends the relationship. Feelings of shame, remorse, grief, rage, and terror can overwhelm even the most stable human being. Heartbreak has the power to reframe a workable life as a disaster.
Surprisingly, Buddhism has a tremendous amount of helpful advice for working with these terrible girl/boy-loses-boy/girl emotions. It takes an approach that is quite different than the usual advice books, which basically fall into one of two categories:
The first category is called “You Go Girl!!” (Sorry guys, all the books are aimed at women.) This kind of book suggests that you need to up the cocktails:sobbing ratio, and if you go out with your friends who tell you that you were just too awesome for him/her, get a cute outfit and a new ‘do, and cry on as many shoulders as possible, you can dance your troubles away.
I don’t think this is bad advice. Hey! You are awesome! You can look super hot! You have great friends who remind you how to have fun! This is all cool. It won’t, however, do much to alleviate the pain, beyond stuffing it for a few hours.
The second category is called “There is something very, very wrong with you and you made this happen.” This is the kind of book that says you brought this heartbreak on yourself by carrying forward unhealed wounds from childhood or, god forbid, by thinking the wrong thoughts. I kind of hate this. Of course it’s really, really important to heal your wounds and to examine your thoughts to see if they might be sabotaging you—but when the intention for doing so is to avoid pain rather than increase your capacity to love, it is unlikely to heal you. This kind of advice is often out to convince you that you can make love safe.
Love can never be made safe. It is the opposite of safe. The moment you try to make it safe, it ceases to be love. I realize this is a bummer, but think about it. Love is predicated on receptivity, on opening up again and again and again to your beloved, each time afresh. To do this, you have to let go of insisting that he or she conform to your standards for what a lover should look like, do, be, say, and instead allow him or her to simply be him or herself. Then you take it from there. To do otherwise, to continually choose who you wish this person was over who he or she actually is, is, well, it’s not love. I don’t know what it is. (Of course none of this stands to reason should any form of emotional or physical abuse be present. At this point you can forget everything I just said and protect yourself.)
Most often, the efforts to heal a broken heart center around putting it behind you and recreating the illusion of safety. Buddhism counsels something else, something best said by the American Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron: “Feel the feelings. Drop the story.” That is the pith advice and it means turning toward what you feel, not away. It means letting the feelings be just what they are without trying to explain them, shore your self up, or excuse or blame anyone. This is called being a warrior. The more you allow feelings to burn clean in this way, the less confusion you create.
I have three suggestions for figuring out how to accomplish this very mysterious feat of feeling without attaching a narrative as to what it might, could, should, or dare not mean.
1. Develop a non-judgmental relationship with your mind. This is best done through the practice of meditation, instruction here. When you’re under the sway of strong emotion, you come into contact with a state of being that I like to call Insane Obsessive Thinking. If only, I should have, what I really meant was, how dare she, I am a loser, you are a loser, love stinks… On and on and on. It’s really quite painful. Without addressing a mind run amuck, the chances of skillfully working with your feelings is kind of limited. So I suggest introducing a note of discipline to your everyday life, beginning today. Spend some time everyday, not squashing your icky thoughts and promoting your good ones, but simply watching your mind in a relaxed way—no matter how wild it gets, you can remain steady. This is what meditation teaches you how to do.
The mind of heartbreak is like a wild horse. You can’t just jump on and except to ride. It will throw you again and again. So instead you hang around for a while until a sense of trust develops. Meditation teaches you how to do this, too.
2. Stabilize your heart in the open state. When you regain some sense of dominion in your own mind, naturally your attention will turn toward that raging, screaming, 24/7 searing thing in the middle of your chest—your heart.
One way to look at heartbreak is as love unbound from an object. Freed, it careens and ricochets and crashes into walls. Your capacity and longing for love is enormous and when you lose it, this is what you discover. You had no idea you could feel this raw, vulnerable, open…and it’s the openness that is so precious.
Buddhism does not counsel closing back up, not at all. Instead, in recognition that this openness is the ground of loving kindness, compassion, and the ability to connect deeply, it suggests you leave it broken and seek to stabilize it in the open state. Yes, leave it broken. The way to do this and not walk around sobbing all the time is through the practice of Loving Kindness meditation, which you can find here. In this way, you begin to shift your search for love a tiny bit, away from “I want to find someone to love me” and toward “I want to find a way to give love.” With this slight transition, the whole world changes.
When most people say they are looking for love, what they means is they are looking for someone to love them, and then they will return it. But you can turn this equation on its head entirely and have love in your life every single day by choosing to give it. This, by the way—giving love to others—is the secret, guaranteed, no fail way to heal your broken heart. Try it.
3. View your whole life as path. With a sense of clarity in your mind and stability in your heart, the third stage becomes something altogether different. There is no practice associated with this one. With mental clarity and emotional stability comes the ability to see your entire life as path. You have created the foundation for an entirely authentic life, one full of joy and sorrow, meetings and partings, giving and taking, and deep meaning. The dark power of heartbreak has led you there.
With this openness, you see that your life is telling a story. I have no idea what it is and you may not either. But trust me, your life has a life of its own and the violence of heartbreak has the power to shatter all illusions about who you thought you were and reintroduce you instead to who you already know you are. This is an extremely powerful situation.
With a broken heart, you see how vast your longing for love is and how impossible it is to make love safe. It’s just not possible. So what do you do with these two truths? This is your path. No one can tell you how to reconcile them. The place to begin is by paying attention, by cultivating agenda-less awareness of yourself, others, and of the flow of life. When you do so, you start to notice that every single day, you are continuously cycling in and out of moments of falling in love and having your heart broken. Both are always present, shifting toward you and away, each one a tiny lesson on how to be fully alive.
Pass it on.
(And please comment! I love to hear what you are thinking and feeling.)
Susan
You have no idea how much I needed to read this today – certainly my life is taking care of me by guiding me here now. Thank you. I’m listening to your lesson on lovingkindness with tears streaming down my cheeks. Thank you.
Lindsey, I’m so glad the post came at the right time. I really hope the loving kindness practice will serve you. Keep me posted…
Aww this helps me feel hopeful. If i am here reading this then maybe my hole in my chest close up and I will feel no more pain.
So much of what you write brings sense of my own recent dealings of a broken heart. Thank you for helping me embrace my own understanding on this matter. It makes me feel less alone and moving in the right direction.
Wonderful post Susan – Pema’s teachings arrived in my life in a moment in which I had no choice but to keep company with my own broken heart (I was stuck in a secure compound in Afghanistan, there were no cute outfits or cocktail bars to distract me) and I learned then the wisdom of a broken heart.
I’m so thrilled to have found your writings and teachings as well.
Thank you.
Marianne
Oh, PS: I’ve been teaching the metta meditation to my yoga students all week because we are practicing a heart-opening (anahata chakra) sequence and it always reminds me of the extraordinary healing that practice first brought me in Afghanistan and continues to bring me today.
with metta
After your program, I was confused how you talked about the self healing and not liking it. Currently following this path, I was not sure how to take it. Reading over that part here fits it in perfectly, if it is about opening, it is welcome at that perspective. It can not help avoid the pain, I am the working proof there.
Thank you, Namaste,
Collin
Susan
Like Lindsey, I too needed toread this today. Your summary at the beginning about what it feels like to endure a broken heart is like you were living my life at this exact moment. Knowing that others feel the EXACT same feelings as I feel now makes me feel understood and hopeful that I can move past this as you and many others have. I’ m not sure yet how to take the steps you speak of but I’m hopeful that I will learn how and move past this.
Thank you so much,
Amy
Amy, I’m so happy you found your way to this post. It can be a tremendous relief and inspiration to know that others feel what you do. You are not alone. And millions upon millions of people have moved passed their sorrow and transformed it into wisdom. Please stay in touch and let me know how I can support you. I really mean it!! xo Susan
Susan,
Last weekend I found your book at Barnes and Noble, and after sitting in a corner of the store reading it, I knew I had the right book for me. It has been a source of comfort this week, and it has helped ‘normalize’ all of the intense feelings I have been experiencing these past weeks. Thank you for writing the book, for sharing your own story, for your wonderful sense of humor, and your wisdom….oh, and thanks for reminding me to get my meditation practice going again. I KNOW that that is key to quieting this mind that can sometimes tell me things that I know are not the truth!
Namaste,
Lisa
Dear Susan,
I read your book last week and it was so consoling for my broken heart. I was forced into this relationship three years ago and both of us absolutely had no right to have this relationship. Yes, you can call it an affair but trust me, it is much more than that. It will take me pages and pages to explain everything. But the bottomline is now he is gone. He says that I kept complaining about how wrong it is and so he decided to let me go!!! We both are totally from different continent, different race, different ethnicity, different background etc. etc. Now I am devastated, I miss him so much, my heart is aching and all the people around me are asking why I look so tired and stressed out. Gosh, I cannot share my experience with anyone as this was not meant to be a normal relationship. I have an excellent husband and two lovely grownup kids. I read your book, understood it but not able to follow. Please help.
Thank you for your article – it’s absolutely perfect for me and I cannot wait to begin meditating and using your words as a guide.
Deniz, I’m so glad you’re finding some helpful stuff in this article. Please keep me posted on your meditation practice.
I’m writing a (free) ebook on creating a meditation practice–it has some helpful tips, obstacles to look out for, suggestions for when your inspiration fails, and so on. Please check back!
Kay, I feel you, I really do. Just because your relationship was “wrong” doesn’t mean the heartache isn’t as real and merited as any other kind of heartache. In fact, there are additional difficulties–it’s harder to grieve a secret relationship than one that is out in the open. As you say, you can’t share the experience with anyone.
Please know that you have my support and prayers for your healing. Try to remember that, underneath all the pain, your heart is actually indestructible. If you can’t follow the suggestions in my book, don’t worry about it. Just imagine that you can. That is a good start.
Keep me/us posted.
Emily and Marianne, thanks so much for letting me hear your thoughts on this post. It means a lot to know that we’ve connected! Wishing you love, love, love, Susan
Collin, thanks so much for this feedback and for continuing to refine your understanding of your own mind. I appreciate you for the willingness to look within, which takes so much courage! Susan
Collin { 04.30.10 at 12:03 pm }
After your program, I was confused how you talked about the self healing and not liking it. Currently following this path, I was not sure how to take it. Reading over that part here fits it in perfectly, if it is about opening, it is welcome at that perspective. It can not help avoid the pain, I am the working proof there.
Thank you, Namaste,
Collin
Lisa, hi and thanks so much for being in touch. I am so happy to hear that my book brought some comfort. I hope you are continuing to perk up (I know it can be a roller coaster…) and that you are taking refuge in your meditation practice. It is the best possible refuge!
Would love to hear how you’re doing–
xo Susan
Lisa { 05.09.10 at 3:00 pm }
Susan,
Last weekend I found your book at Barnes and Noble, and after sitting in a corner of the store reading it, I knew I had the right book for me. It has been a source of comfort this week, and it has helped ‘normalize’ all of the intense feelings I have been experiencing these past weeks. Thank you for writing the book, for sharing your own story, for your wonderful sense of humor, and your wisdom….oh, and thanks for reminding me to get my meditation practice going again. I KNOW that that is key to quieting this mind that can sometimes tell me things that I know are not the truth!
Namaste,
Lisa
Hello Susan. I deeply cherish your words, for they have helped me to understand so many things. But still I feel at a loss. I have been seeing this man for the last couple of years, we met about 2 years ago, and we fell head avoer heels in love, but our relationship was very physical back then and after 7 months, he broke it off. I was devastated. I had tought he might be “the one” for me. Then we began seeing each other casually, again it was more physical than anything at firsg, but we both began studing buddish and zen and meditation, and it really made me see all the things that I was doing wrong and that I had done wrong. I learned to love myself first and foremost. 3 months ago we got back together again for real, and we started off just great, we meditated, we talked, we had plans for the future, and somehow something happened in the last month or so, and we began having troubles. Today he said I had dissapointed him, for not remembering one of the things we had learned together when we where not a real couple. And I actually dissapointed myself too. I feel sad and dissapointed. I guess that would qualify as heartbreak. I don’t know what I am going to do. I have thought of asking for time apart, to be more involved in my own meditation and learning. I just don’t know what is going to happen, but that is just the way love is. I love him. But I love me more and I don’t know how to reconcile that. Thank you for your wonderfull words.
Marissa, hello and thank you so much for being in touch. Relationships are so complex! I wonder if you two are able to work through your disappointments and, in any case, how it is going. Please keep me posted and know that I (and anyone who read this) will certainly wish you the best. xo Susan
I’ve been enjoying reading and experiencing some of the insights of The Wisdom of Brocken Heart. I have had my heart broken while in a relationship, and I am still in it. Maybe it seems juvenile but my partner was very very close and attracted to another woman and she also felt this way. While he didn’t want to leave me and doesn’t cheat on me the situation makes me feel insufficient. I’ve thought endlessly about this and I don’t want to cadge him, but I don’t like feeling that the way he throws himself into relationships with women means that sooner or later he will find someone with whom he can’t fight the sexual tension and excitement. I’m just wondering has anyone else experience this sort of situation? Can there be boundaries in a man-woman friendships other than not having sex with another person? I know a little flirting is harmless, but what about when you turn that flirtiness into a friendship, will there always be something more and is that just the way we are? All thoughts are very welcome.
Sana
Hi Sana. Sorry it took me a while to acknowledge your comment, but I got very behind. Apologies!!
It is so, so, so painful to experience even the smallest hint of mistrust in your partner. If he or she is a flirt, it can make you constantly on edge. Of course it could all be harmless, too.
The most painful part, or at least it has been for me, is that I feel like I’ve given up jurisdiction over my own mind when I’m jealous. I can’t control my thoughts or feelings. This is where the practice of meditation can come in so handy. It doesn’t solve all your problems per se, but it gives you a kind of mental stability that enables you to deal with it all better. If you want to try it, I have instruction on my site.
http://susanpiver.com/meditation_resources.htm#meditation
In any case, please do keep in touch and forgive me for being slow to respond.
I wish you love in all things!!
Hello Susan,
Thank you so much for this article and especially for the recording of “Loving kindness for the one who broke your heart”. I have recently come out of my first very serious relationship unexpectedly and it was a very beautiful way to meditate, and was exactly what I needed. I feel so much more centered and focused now, and much more peaceful. Thank you.
Eleanor
Eleanor, you are very welcome. I appreciate you for trying this practice. Keep me posted if you feel so moved! Susan
Bless you for your wise and lovings words ~*~
You are welcome, denise! xo S
It definitely is challenging to realize that mostly one is scared of the open vulnerbility in oneself that is exposed when you are betrayed by a loved one.
I know I want to stay open and vulnerable, because without those two, there is no way to give love, but lord, how it hurts right now, to know
that I’ve lost the relationship, but not the love I have for this man….
The loving kindness meditation is bringing all sorts of strong emotions to the front. I hope as I continue to do it I might get to a place of peace and calmness, someday.
Thank you for putting up these posts. It’s refreshing to see a viewpoint where heartbreak is dealt with compassion, not by fueling antagonism, or negativity.
I cannot wait for the day when I can be a happier better person, coming out of this emotional trauma.
Thank you so much Susan! I like your down to earth approach to dealing with heartbreak and your clear wisdom in outlining the various aspects. It’s wonderful that you are providing a road map to this most universal and profoundly challenging experience replete with it’s tremendous potential for awakening. By the way, I am a member of the Fort Collins Shambhala Center and noticed you are teaching a workshop up at SMC soon. It also sounds very interesting! Would love to attend one of your workshops sometime. Thanks again!
Dear Susan,
After the earth-shaking shock of my recent breakup, I read, reread, and am continuing to extract clarity from your Wisdom of the Broken Heart (at the suggestion of a dear friend, who happens to be a comrade-in-heartbreak). It has been just over two months since my relationship ended, and for the past couple weeks I have been “seeing” someone – someone who goes to the same university as me, and with whom I feel an inexplicable connection. Oddly enough, traversing the turbulent waters of a new love affair is, in some ways, more consistently heartbreaking than the breakup itself. I am very much riding the waves of heartbreak within love, and I am trying to find a way to remain open to the insane vulnerability of this new situation. It is intensely scary and exciting (especially because this current situation would have been unimaginable two months ago). Your writings are teaching me how to cultivate fearlessness, and for that I am tremendously grateful.
metta,
Stephanie
I am grateful to know you, Stephanie.
Stephanie, what you describe–the heartbreak that comes with new love–sounds so human and real. It IS so vulnerable. You are already fearless if you ask me, but I’m thrilled to hear that my book can offer additional support. Wishing you all the blessings of love!! Susan
Susan,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. It actually made me cry a little haha! But in a good way – the way that says, yes, you’re right. Everything will be fine, but I can’t just push everything away and ignore it like I have been doing. I just have to teach myself to heal properly, and good things will happen when I least expect them. Here goes…starting over at Step 1!
Thanks again,
Jess
Thanks for reading, Jess!
Susan,
My name is Sahar and currently I’m living in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I came here to live out one of my life dreams of living abroad….and here I am, 3 months into my little dream life, crying and suffering from a heartbreak. I’ve tried everything to get over what I thought was the love of my life. I finally realized today that something needs to change, and it is my approach on letting him go. I’m so glad that your link was the first to come up on google when I did my search…it’s exactly what I needed to read right at this moment.
Sahar, hello. So happy that you found something helpful in these words. I wish you an easy journey. S.
“Feel the feelings. Drop the story.” That is the pith advice and it means turning toward what you feel, not away. It means letting the feelings be just what they are without trying to explain them, shore your self up, or excuse or blame anyone. This is called being a warrior. The more you allow feelings to burn clean in this way, the less confusion you create.
I support this view. It is what it is. Emotion only comes into play when we add our stuff to the situation. We can add light to the breakup or we can add dark. Being in love doesn’t necessarily mean one person only. Giving love is another version of being in love. Come and visit me at http://www.awesomewomenwarriors.com
With love
JaiChamonix
Thank you Susan. I find it helpful to read your words around heartbreak and the dharma even when I am not in a full-blown heartbreak. Like you said, heartbreak occurs on a daily basis.
With deep gratitude,
Anyana
Hi Anyana. This is an excellent point of view.
Very glad this post is helpful. With love, Susan
Incredible! The last paragraph of the second step got me nodding uncontrollably in agreement. The frustration of heartbreak and dating lead me to become celibate for the unforeseeable future which had my friends looking at me like I’m crazy. I fulfill my need for intimacy and love through conversations and other simple things such as smiling at a stranger. I wish I’d come to terms with this earlier. Thanks for verbalizing it so well!!!
You are so welcome, Adam.
Honestly I don’t know how to do it.am totally confused
Your piece was beautiful Susan and moved me deeply. At 37 I was in my truly first ” adult relationship” ( talk of our future, marriage, kids) he constantly encouraged me to trust him,let my guard down….all of which I did blissfully only to find him closing up more and more ( he had exwife who cheated, he has children). Eventually despite all the love he expressed, he decided he just didn’t want to change or ” evolve. I have done nothing but love trust and do special things for him and his children. I do not know how to cope with end when both partners confess to still loving each other. I need and want so badly to move on but the pain in my chest is unbearable.
Samantha, it is totally understandable that the pain would feel unbearable. It is truly devastating. The only possibly helpful thing I can say is this: you will NOT always feel this way. Truly. Wishing you the best and sending much love. Susan
Susan,
I’m not a great practicer in any religious faith or spiritual in the religious sense. But reading this article has opened me up to a new way of thinking, an explorative introspective one which from practicing for the first time tonight has alleviated so much of the pain that I was feeling. I’m so grateful I read this when I did, as I felt off track and irrational, when in normal situations I am a very grounded person. I think that true love undermines a great deal that we hold ourselves to be able of coping with.
Thank you so much!
You are so welcome and I’m very happy this was useful!
Love how you made a tree-step to healing a love life. I read that we must build on the love energy in our lives and make sure we understand ourselves and our partner: http://pranaworld.net/how-to-have-a-healthy-love-life-15-simple-ways-to-improve-your-relationship/ after all, good relationships just don’t appear overnight, we have to build them carefully and with patience.
Thank you for this, it helps. It’s exactly what I’m experiencing. I hadn’t been fully mindful of the obsessive thoughts. Now I can see them for what they are and can not be so attached. Very helpful.
I’m so glad this was useful, Scott. Wishing you well. Susan
Just reading this has made my heart chakra light up
I hadn’t read this before now, but for several years I’ve worked on myself to be open-hearted, to accept others for who they are, faults and all (as I learn and often do accept myself in that way), and actually it’s almost always been about finding someone to give my love to, lol.
Interestingly, my approach has draw to me apparently strong men who quickly reveal fundamental fragility, men who open up to me, who are surprised that I don’t run away when they reveal the things they’ve felt unable to share before .. but who, ultimately, feel they don’t deserve such acceptance, and who leave my life again. Oh, dear.
C’est la vie
xx
Dear Susan,
thank you for your knowledge. I have a broken heart because my relationship – which I believed was a fairytale – broke after 3 years of being together. Its a long journey for me to find my inner peace, because of all false believes I have. But if I am doing as you are describing, my heart not just heals better, but also I am getting closer to Myself, I feel more freedom than ever before.
Thank you <3
Wishing you love and blessings on this amazing journey. Susan
thank you
You are very welcome.
Thank you so much for putting your words here to be found. I have been feeling so beside myself with this torturous monkey mind and aching heart lately. I had not allowed myself to cry over what seemed like such a stunningly sudden and unexplained break, to just let out the confusion and sadness that had been exhausting me for weeks now, because I kept telling myself to keep my chin up and not let it get the best of me. Crying was a cathartic release and there was an amazing feeling of self-acceptance mixed into that moment. I am very loving and giving and I don’t have any desire to shut that down. I think that what I realized in the moment of letting myself cry was that I was really afraid of shutting down that loving compassionate side that had finally emerged again after years of hiding my heart away. I am returning to meditation. I am allowing the vulnerability. Thank you.
Lorna, you are so welcome. This is such a difficult–and rewarding experience. I wish you all the strength and softness you need to navigate it all… With love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Thank you for your writings. I think your take on generosity–that, in its purest form, it requires turning off the projector and accepting your partner for who s/he is, not who you want her/him to be–is perfect, and very apropos to my recently broken relationship.
One question that you don’t address in either your book or here: What, if anything, do you advise regarding getting back together (from the standpoint of the “dumpee”)?
Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.
Thank you,
Sam
Hi Sam. Getting back together is so totally unique and personal–every couple is different. The best I can say is to be kind to yourself and kind to your partner/ex-partner. I realize it is not always easy to know what this means exactly, but as long as you are trying to do so, that is the a good thing. Wishing you well. With love, Susan
“Leave it broken.” I love it. Thank you very much.
You are welcome!
I have saved this article and have read it over and over. This is what I am going through right now. It has been 4 weeks since my husband and I ended a 6 week separation. He suffers from combat related PTSD and has episodes of irrational behavior. We have been married for 14 years and have known each other for 20 years. Even though I know he is suffering from this mental illness, when he decided to “end our marriage” my heart was shattered. I was incredibly angry and confused. During our brief separation, he had a “encounter” with another woman. A week later he decided that he would be open again to coming back to our marriage. Now, he told me this after he had come home and I was so desperate to have our family whole again. He told me that I could not “beat him up about this forever”…….Well it’s been 4 weeks and I am still heartbroken that he did this to ME and our marriage. Trying to forgive these actions and build trust is incredibly hard. I made the decision to allow him back into my life so I need to find a way to move beyond this. I want to believe that this would never happen again, and he has actually been trying to prove to me that he is remorseful and fully committed. behaviors happen. But WOW this hurts like hell.
Stacy, thanks so much for taking the time to comment. Of course it hurts like hell!! This is such a huge event. Please be very patient with yourself–4 weeks is the blink of an eye. It is most definitely a journey and while I realize the pain is immense, so is your courage in trying to make it work. If you can allow yourself the fullness of your feelings without necessarily acting on them (a tall order, I know), that is actually the most expeditious route. If you haven’t, please, please sign up for The Open Heart Project, my meditation videos that come to you 2x a week. They are free. Having a way to work with your mind is so important–and so hard to do on your own. (You can find a link above.) Perhaps these short 10-minute sessions could be of use.
And don’t be afraid to ask for all the help you need! If he is not patient with your emotional ups and downs (which are quite understandable), talk to friends or therapists if you are able.
Wishing you well and sending love, Susan
Thank You Susan
I signed up the the videos…I have been talking with a therapist and then seeing a Couples therapist next week with him. He is certainly not the one I can have unbiased talk with. He is dealing with his guilt for sure. Taking it one day at a time and being patient with the emotions that show up. Healing my mind and not allowing it to run away with the harmful thoughts is key in my opinion. Thank you for your help 
I was involved with a much older man, 23 years difference, our relationship starting when I was 15. I was alienated, told that I didn’t know anything, lied to, he distorted reality, called me names, kept me poor. It took me 25 years to get away. I don’t love him at all. I left him when he was very sick and in hospital. He tried to force me to be his nurse, but I left instead. I have conflicting feelings about what I did and its confusing to me. He never loved me in a sweet, loving, gentle way.
Oh, Nicole. This all sounds so painful. Please be kind and patient with yourself…
Hi Susan,
First of all I want to say that your book has been my ‘bible’ for the past year. Without it I wouldn’t have been able to keep my sanity. My relationship ended a year ago and I have been having a difficult time letting go because he is a family friend and still seems to ‘check up’ on me. I receive these messages every 1 to 2 months (I have asked him to stop before), and although he doesn’t mean anything bad by it and I know he doesn’t really love me, they always seem to come right at a time when I think I have truly recovered. It has me going through a cycle of distress over and over again, and when I don’t hear from him its almost as if I get intense emotional withdrawals. Its hard for me to be rude and ignore him because of the close relationship our parents have. I know rationally we don’t belong together, and I want him out of my head completely, but this is hard with constant a contant flow of reminders. I meditate every day but I am almost embarrassed by the fact I still think about him all the time and I get frustrated because I feel like more than enough time has passed for me to get through this. Any insight would help on how to break this cycle.
Thank you SO much for what you have already done for me. I am truly grateful and I know you are spreading kindness in the world.
Joan, thank you so much for being in touch. It is not easy to heal when a wound is continually reopened. The first thing I’d like to say though is please, please don’t feel embarrassed that your mind is still on this very difficult roller coaster ride. These things have no time table, although when one looks back, one could see that the general momentum is toward healing, with a lot of fits and starts. The best way thing I can suggest for stepping out of this cycle is to be very, very gentle and kind toward yourself, no matter what you feel. Don’t berate yourself. Instead, if you could simply feel empathy toward yourself, that would be so helpful. And if you could delete (or ignore) those messages for, say, a few months, that might be good too. I realize that may not be possible.
Please know that I wish you the best and there are many of us who have shared the sorrow and difficulty of what you are currently experiencing. With love, Susan
Thank you for the advice. I will continue to re-read your book, follow your Open Heart emails, and spread the word to those who are also in pain. You made a big difference in my healing process and I will be forever grateful.
You are so welcome, Joan. Wishing you only happiness.
Susan thanks getting banged around a little Special ed teacher in South Bronx Cant stop the kids from killing each other and no one wants what im teaching.Didnt hear from my girlfriend for a couple of days and that felt like an earthquake so instead of sitting with the abandonment stuff figured I would just blow the bridge . Read your stuff need to sit and pay attention Peace
I hope you’ll be okay!!!
At 48 I thought my heart was tougher than leather, boy was I wrong. I just got dumped after 2 years and I am a complete _ucking Mess
The Buddism stuff I laughed at before is saving my life.
Thank you
Bill, it is just so painful and my heart goes out to you. This is the kind of pain that takes you beyond what you know and that is the good news and the bad news. Fortunately, there is wisdom we can turn to when we find ourselves in this strange and dark place. I hope you’ll remember that, no matter how impossible it seems right now, you will not always feel as you do now. Sending strength and confidence, Susan
this is the best advice I’ve ever read, and I really needed it, I fell in love with a girl and almost immediately she started dating some guy
I was at a point where I lied to myself about it daily to not feel any pain
this makes my heart not feel so badly about it
I still don’t know how to act around her,and I’d still be crushed if she wasn’t in my life anymore, but atleast I have a place to start down that path
so thank you.
and when I say fell in love I mean like the first time it wasn’t just strong attraction
Jessie, wishing you well!
Your words, raw, vulnerable, unsafe. How normalizing of what heartache feels like and yet painful to read. I’m trying to accept feelings for a man I work with that I can do nothing about. Because these feelings have to be “my secret” it has recharged old memories of secret trauma from childhood. What a scorching pain it is. Metta is my favorite meditation, bless you for the guidance to return to it.
I understand just what you mean by normalizing and painful. This is what happens when we look at the truth of our feelings.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this kind of pain. “Scorching” sounds like just the right word to describe it. All I can suggest is that, though the scorching is quite painful, it is also possible to burn off some of our old wounds. This is what I wish for you.
Thank you for your writings. I am desperately searching for help and have no one to turn to. Your words have been a comfort today.
My husband works in Afghanistan. This week he told me that he had talked to a lawyer to ask what his options are. I got the “its not you, its me” line, and that he wanted us in his life whatever happens, and that he wouldnt leave us high and dry, and i can barely function or remember what else was said.
This was out of the blue for me! I didn’t feel things were this bad between us, and I certainly didn’t think they were at the lawyer stage. I just thought we needed real couple time together, and that i just needed to wait patiently til he could come home again and we could rebuild our life together, or until the next r and r. I have been a good wife and haven’t done anything to deserve this. I feel cheated of the opportunity to work this out with him.
He wont talk to me without getting angry. He refuses to talk to anybody else. I know if I quietly step aside, that he will swiftly and efficiently get all the paperwork done (he works in contracting, now as a civilian after twenty years in the military).
I have a daughter from my first marriage, and her biological father has abandoned her… He is a deadbeat. I quit my very demanding job because of my husbands even more demanding overseas contract. I have no family. I have one close friend who has comforted me, but it is so hard to talk to her, as she has such a solid relationship and I feel so ashamed and such a failure. I also don’t want to bring down her happiness by burdening her with my sorrow.
I dont know what to do. I dont think i can get through this emotionally, let alone finacially. I am only a few days into knowing how my husband feels about our marriage. He says he hasn’t known what he wants for over a year now. There have been so many things I have done for him and us, that I wouldn’t have done had I known how he felt and that our relationship was this broken.
I don’t know how or even if I can get through this. I am writing to you here, because I really need to vent. I want to call his boss, his kids and ex wife his friends etc… but I won’t because it wouldn’t be right. I want someone to understand my pain. I really need some peace and sympathy. I want to stop hurting and crying. I have been through this pain before, and I can’t do it again!
Sorry… I hurt so much. It probably doesn’t make any sense because I am so overwraught and have to leave out all the important personal details that make sense of it. Thank you for reading/hearing my pain. I will try to open my heart.
Oh, this is so, so, so painful. I’m sorry you are going through this. It is hard enough to lose a love, but when you can’t discuss it, it is even more painful. How are you feeling now? I truly hope you are finding some stability in this very difficult situation, even just for moments here and there. Wishing you well in all ways– Susan
PS You are always welcome to come here and vent. In fact, please do.
yesterday,i had a breakup…i was shattered..i told my boyfriend tht i nvr want to see him in my lifetime!!!
n susan ur blog was really full of relif…i feel reaallly bad wen i cannot control my feelings…thoughts…(negative)….n i think meditation is the cure fr it…..coz reallly meditation keeps me in control!!!thank you
n with all openess……all my love to u..<3
Oh namrata. I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is so painful. Please be very kind, gentle, and patient with yourself. Sending love, S
Susan,
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for wisdom of a broken heart and all your work. I went through a very painful breakup and completely lost my mind. Your audiobook and your soothing, honest and open voice has turned my life around. My heart is still broken and perhaps it will always be- thank you for helping me realise the blessings a broken heart can provide.
All my love,
Nam
Nam, you are so welcome. It means so much to me to hear that this work has been helpful. Thank you very much for saying so. With love, Susan
Susan,
Thank you for your words. I am so frightened by my obsessive mind. Even though I’ve read work by you, Pema Chodron, and have a life coach who is trying to help me, I cannot seem to stop the cycle of thinking about an ex. It’s been three months since the breakup of a relationship that lasted only as long, and a few days ago I found out he got back together with the woman he was dating before me, a woman who I had been afraid he was still in love with. The rage, the crushing eclipse of self-esteem (so many comparisons between myself and her now…her accomplishments, wealth, beauty) the sorrow…all of it is making it hard to function. The moments of space where I can find my breath, exercise, see the big picture, seem all for naught when the pain rushes back. In moments of what I think of as a moment of okayness, I’ll send him a message like, I’m happy for you, or a platonic link to an article or picture…and feel genuinely ok and some relief, but then later I think, no, that was not really giving, because here I still feel so bereft.
I think it’s hard because I feel a great deal of shame about the cycle itself. Shame that I can see myself doing it and can’t stop, even with the tools of meditation, exercise, etc. I remain in so much pain, and this happens after the end of each relationship. I know that it’s about finding a sense of self-love, but the loneliness is crushing. Away from the cushion, or after the jog around the park, or after the laughing dinner with a friend, the pain comes back so quickly and ferociously. I have been trying to write down lists of gratitude for what I have, but that too seems to evaporate if I think of him, or even what I projected on to him. Nothing seems to break the narrative for long…and so I feel myself becoming needier, not stronger as time goes by, and ashamed of the time that passes.
I wonder at what point brain drugs or something else becomes the answer, when all the tools at my disposal seem to be inadequate.
Carrie, my heart goes out to you. Please do whatever your doctors or counselors suggest. And in the meantime, please don’t try too hard to “force” yourself out of this pain even though I know that it is excruciating. This is a very, very difficult wave to ride. However I can assure you that YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY. It will change at some point that no one can predict. But even now, at the worst, you may be able to spot some brief moments in your day when you do already feel otherwise. Such moments of okayness (just as you describe them), brief as they may be, will become more and more frequent as time goes by.
Please be as gentle with yourself as possible and know that there are people here who have some sense of what you are experiencing and wish you well. xo S
the steps told in the post was somewhat tried by me but when I went through all the plause I think I ll be following it fully.thanks
Hi, I stumbled upon this place and I’d like to thank you for this article and the wise words. I broke up with a man whom I loved and he loved me for who I am due to religious issues. We hanged out for about two years, a secret relationship. However, the religion issue is always there, plaguing us time and again. I always knew it was somehow impossible but he convinced me that we could do it overcome the religious issue, overcome our parents disapprovals. I finally made the toughest decision of my life to end our relationship. He said he would respect my decision. My heart is in so much pain now and I don’t know when it’ll ever heal and whether I’d find anyone else as good as him.
Cheryln, this sounds so, so painful. Please know that you are not alone. I truly wish you the best and send love. Susan
Its almost 8 months after the breakup & Im still crying! Not desperately, but the tears certainly flow! Hope this will help me, thank you so much 4 taking the trouble to put this up. Its so helpful!
I so hope this will help you too, Amanda. Please be patient and kind with yourself! What you are experiencing is so difficult. Sending love, Susan