Thank you so much for all who have sent me their good wishes, post-surgery. I’m healing very well. Still mostly sleeping, but I think that by next week I’ll be back to a partially normal schedule. I’m going to try to write about my strange health issues that led to the surgery (an open cholecystectomy, if you will) and if you love surgery stories (yes, some people actually do), this one is a humdinger. xxoo
Now back to our regularly scheduled performance.
The other day, I was talking to my friend Bridget about her new guy. He was everything she said she wanted: smart, handsome, funny, gainfully employed in a creative profession, and committed to the same social causes she was. Most awesome of all, sex was h.o.t. You know, the kind where your lips touch and all hell breaks loose. Who knows why this happens with some and not others, it just does.
They’d been together for almost six months and she was really, really happy. And also really, really anxious.
The problem? They lived a few hours apart. Getting together was something they had to plan or it wouldn’t happen. She was getting the feeling that all the planning mojo was coming from her and if she didn’t suggest it, he might let the whole thing slide. How was she supposed to read this? Didn’t he feel what she did? Wasn’t he thinking at all about the future with her? I mean, they were both in their mid-30s so it wouldn’t be a stretch to imagine he was. But what if he wasn’t? Should she push the conversation or wait and see what happens?
Well, who knows, but the first question that came out of my mouth was, do you think this is meant to be a love affair or a relationship?
Not everyone you fall in love with is a person you should have a relationship with. Just because you have an intimate connection with someone, no matter how deep, doesn’t mean this will make a good relationship.
Some people prefer love affairs while others are more focused on relationships. Of course there is no right or wrong, although in our culture, we’re think that our love affairs should (seamlessly) become relationships and that our relationships (somehow) should also remain love affairs. Traditionally, men are seen as wanting one, while women want the other. In my experience, we all want both.
A relationship is what happens when a love affair lands—when the soft, sharp, deep, powerful, real experience of intimacy (at whatever spiritual:sexual ratio) seeks to put down roots in friendship. At this point every love affair changes, and not always for the best. Some love affairs are best kept in the realm they were born to. Others are sacrificed at the altar of home and children with 0-100% awareness on either or both sides. The truth is it’s rare to have both, but it is definitely possible.
It helps a lot to be sensitive to these nuances. It’s good to know that love affairs and relationships aren’t the same thing. That at times your connection may be one, the other, or both–and then it will change. You may be more eager for one than the other, your beloved may or may not share your preference. Your views may shift from relationship to relationship.
When it comes to sensitivity to such nuances, in my own life, a meditation practice is indispensable. It teaches me to slow down, notice what is arising, notice my judgments of what is arising—and also my fears, hopes, dreams, aggression, and delight—and then let it all go, take a fresh look, and open my heart again in the name of love.
So who knows what will happen with Bridget. Maybe she’ll be content to carry on a passionate love affair for as long as it seems right. Maybe she’ll find that this is the person she wants to grow old with. My wish for her is that, no matter what, both she and her guy will find their hearts expanded and strengthened and that love itself will triumph, no matter what form it takes.
10-minute meditation instruction:
For meditation sessions of varying lengths and answers to questions about meditation, such as “Why Do We Keep Our Eyes Open” and “Is it Important to Stick to One Style of Practice?” please see my vimeo page for lots of short videos.
Ooo, thanks Susan. This clarifies A LOT for me. I think I was trying to beat a square peg into a round hole for years, not realizing what I had was a love affair. Had I seen it for what it was at the time, it would have been so much more enjoyable. Particularly at the end when I was bound & determined that it should be a relationship. Siggghhh.
Hi Susan,
First, no idea you were having surgery but I’m glad to hear you are recovering! I hope the bardo was illuminating and you feel so much better soon!!
A question for you: based on your theory, can a friendship put down roots in a romantic relationship, too? Forgive me if the answer seems obvious, but just because everyone wants that to be able to work… from this perspective, does it actually work?
And… may I ask your advice? If I, someone who wants a relationship, am deeply and surprisingly attracted to someone who I know does not at all want one, does it kind of just depend on where I am in my life, whether or not I should risk that emotionally? This is- I think- a basically very good person in my life, who is also attracted to me. I’m wondering if I’m tough enough to try to be friends with this person, who is definitely worthy of friendship, or given my feelings, if I should avoid any connection, friendship or otherwise? I’ve been struggling with what is the honest thing to do here.
Thanks for this post!
You have no idea how much I wish there was a rule book for such situations… The best thing you can do is try to operate with as much kindness as possible toward yourself and your friend.
beautifully articulated! love it! there were a couple areas of this entry that were perfectly worded! thank you!
Clear, compassionate, wise, useful (as usual!)
Brava, Susan.
(And do rest so you can laugh again without pulling a stitch!)
XOxo, Lance
Sometimes I feel wistful that you are in a relationship, because you write so clearly and constructively about what you continue to experience and learn from your own. I think: I wish she weren’t in one (not really, of course). Then she could teach me about my experience as she does hers. I once asked you at a book signing what we can do about a heart that breaks every day from loneliness. If heartbreak is love released from its object, what about love that floats around aimlessly wishing for a place to land? You shared the great wisdom of feeling the feeling and dropping the story, a practice I had already learned from Pema, but amped up after I heard you talk about it in person. I sometimes wonder for how long in your life you have ever been without a relationship, i.e., a period when you were not having a love affair, in a relationship, or grieving either one. How was it for you? Maybe it’s the same practice whether you are partnered or not. You try to see clearly if you are having a love affair with life, or a relationship with it, all the while continuing to honor those moments of anxiousness, trusting they are valuable and fleeting in equal parts.
I’ve probably spent as much time in relationships as not, over the course of my adult life. You’re right when you say it’s the same practice whether you’re partnered or not… In some ways, it’s easier when you’re alone, but in others, not su much.
Susan–so glad your surgery went well, rest rest! and I love the image of all hell breaking loose when–YES! Observations that helped me slow down and be a little gentler with myself, thank you. The comments, too. As for me, I haven’t a clue. A wild realm.
You and me both, sister.
Personally, I prefer my life exactly the way it is. I have my friends AND my friends with benefits.
Don’t really need or want a relationship. Don’t want to control or be controlled. Demand or be demanded upon. Obligate others or feel obligated. Answer questions of money, job, destinations, etc. And don’t want to feel the need to ask another, those questions. I come and go when it pleases me and answer to me alone.
If a love affair begins to cool off? It’s simple to end it and maybe remain friends only. However, that may be the trickiest part. Usually one or the other have a bit of clarity. That it is ONLY a love affair, with a beginning, a middle and an end. It may have actually been discussed and agreed upon, long before and many times over.
Yet it seems that with almost certainty. One of the partners, despite all evidence and words to the contrary. Believes that eventually the other will, “feel what I feel” or “see it my way.” Thats when the whole thing takes a turn for the worse.
Good luck all!
Jordan, I admire your clarity!
This was an absolutely wonderful article. It’s the thoughts I have been having for quit sometime now. Yes, it’s a love affair. Mutually agreed upon and spoken out loud. I am grateful for having met this person and for the opportunity to share a little of myself with someone who has accepted me as-is without question or expectation. I hope that I have been able to give back as much for he deserves it 10 fold. It will not be easy to say good bye at the end, no matter what has been spoken. So, thank you for letting me feel less alone. I’m not the only one who has been or will go through this. Your words also reminded me to keep my eyes open. Thank you
Lucy, I’m so happy this was useful. You are not alone and it is wonderful that you are capable of such love. Warmly, S