Talking about death and dying — with your parents. Yikes. But yes, you can do it.

December 31, 2010   |   4 Comments

Screen shot 2010-12-31 at 8.15.32 AM
(click on image to play video on MSNBC site)

In 2005, I was on the TODAY show to discuss my now 0ut-of-print book, The Hard Questions for Adults and Their Aging Parents. For some reason, they just featured it on their site today and someone sent me the link, so I’m sharing it with you.

In the last few weeks, I’ve come across some articles (here in USA Today and here on CNN.com) about the necessity and difficulty of talking about death and dying with your parents (and/or your children). My parents have been kind enough to have such discussions with me and my siblings–about their wishes, fears, plans, hopes–from both practical and emotional standpoints. There is no question that entering into such a conversation is one of the bravest and kindest things a family can do together. My book captures such questions and offers suggestions for how to enter into this extremely difficult (and rewarding, moving, confusing, sad, loving) dialogue.

If you want to check out the book, you can find used copies on Amazon and the like, and you can also purchase a new copy from me. If you’d like me to inscribe it in any way, just let me know. I admire any and everyone who is willing to open up to this topic, even just a little bit.

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4 Comments

  • Posted by:  Carol

    Yes, Susan–a thousand times yes. Even though the thought may be indescribably painful. Right before my parent(s) become ill, they were only in their late ’70s, still bopping up and down the East coast, acting like happy teenagers. They had *just* begun to explore future care options and to discuss their feelings with us. Now, balancing between comfort/familiarity and *safety* is something we kids grapple with daily. Seismic change can happen so suddenly. But I can understand how it’s so hard to talk about.

    An incredible cautionary tale is here: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/04/health/04doctor.html …there is still that element of the unknown when the unknowable finally descends, even if definite plans are made. So groundless, all we can do is love and the best we can. Thanks.

  • Posted by:  Susan

    Carol, your comment is so important and also so touching. My heart goes out to your family. Your reminder that “all we can do is love and the best we can” is basically the only instruction there is.

    Wishing you and your parents the ability to make friends with groundlessness–the hardest thing ever.

    They are lucky to have you. Love, S

  • Posted by:  Sarah

    Last Christmas when I was home visiting my parents in Rhode Island I brought up the topic of their funerals. I did not think the conversation would really go anywhere but I wanted them to start thinking about it and then let me know what they want. They are Roman Catholic and the funeral is an important part of their faith. I knew this and want to be sure I did it right and to honor them.

    We talked about music and readings and who in the family will do what. We laughed so hard! It was one of those moments you don’t expect and we still laugh about it. In fact this year my father wanted to review what he requested and make some changes. I tell all of my friends this story to get them to bring up the topic w/their aging parents.

    Hopefully everyone will have the same experience I did.

  • Posted by:  Susan

    Sarah, this sounds so incredible. Sounds so loving and brave and sweet.

    I’m with you–hopefully everyone will have the same experience as you.

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