You are good.

December 1, 2011   |   14 Comments

P1010579

If I had to identify the #1 issue that stands between most of us and the ability to be happy, it is disbelief in our own inherent goodness. Nearly every thought, action, and yearning is immediately followed by a critique, a view of ourselves through a reverse lens: How is this playing out? How does this make me look? What would _______ say about this or think of me? From the most workaday impulses to our grandest, darkest, and most brilliant inclinations, we take one approach: judgment.

Of course judgment is useful and we each need to be observant, pragmatic, and sensible in the way we conduct ourselves, but I’m not talking about the kind of judgments that help us make good decisions about who to befriend or what job to take. I’m talking about the harsh inner critic who seems concerned with cataloging our every move.

My inner critic tracks me with a handheld camera and while “I” do what I do throughout the day: dress, eat, work, and so on, “she” faces me, camera in hand, gazing through the viewfinder, and with every step I take forward, she takes one back, capturing it. Then a third entity (sometimes an idealized me, sometimes my parents, sometimes Martha Stewart, sometimes the Buddha, sometimes the whole world) watches it in real time.

It does no good to try to please the cameraperson. It does no good to try to push her down and brush past. It does no good to bargain with or enter into any kind of dialog with the viewing audience (or audient, as the case may be).

The only thing to do is snap the camera off.

This is not as simple as it sounds.

It means letting go, first, of the idea that anyone is watching. No one is.

It means being who you are rather than who you thought you were supposed to be.

This is an act of love, not to mention authenticity, joy, daring, kindness. Vulnerability.

Belief in your own goodness is the ground, path, and fruition of such an attitude toward yourself–not the kind of belief that comes second, after it is “earned” through appropriate behaviors, accomplishments, or mindsets, but the kind that comes first, an a priori assumption that creates the outer and inner environments of your very existence; a proclamation of the goodness you naturally possess and need do nothing to come by. You were born with it.

We each have to figure out what this means exactly, but the innate expectation of and need for love is our biggest clue.

The love we can offer ourselves is simply this: opening to your experience again and again, seeing what you feel, think, want, abhor, adore, disdain, and allowing it all to be so. When you judge yourself positively or negatively, you allow that too. See it. Take an interest in it. How fascinating. Because it is.

What it is not, however, is the truth.

The truth of who you are has much more to do with the one who takes an interest than the one doing all these interesting things. She, this latter being, is constantly changing, a kaleidoscope of beautiful forms, pleasing sounds, deliciousness, mystery, and also of grasping, aggression, delusion, and all such things beyond all such things. The you who is reading this email will be gone by the time this sentence has been read and a new, equally fascinating you is taking shape. Dive into this stream. This is love.

This love is gentleness.

It creates itself.

It is your home.

You deserve it, right now.

And now.

And now.

And now.

Your meditation practice teaches you exactly how to do this, rather than how to believe in it. Through sitting with yourself as you are, you practice taking this attitude of gentleness, relaxation, and, yes, bravery–breath by breath and thought by thought.

How many times have you turned toward yourself with the love, care, and tenderheartedness that you would toward a child, a lover, best friend, or brother? The answer could be never or I can hardly recall. Maybe today will be the day you begin.

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14 Comments

  • Posted by:  Lisa

    Such a challenging, but essential practice.

    Thank you.

    • Posted by:  Susan

      You are welcome.

  • Posted by:  Heidi

    Susan, I look forward to all your posts, but I resonate with these words even more than usual. I am/we are inherently good…just by being here, breathing on this planet? Something inside me knows this is true, but at the same time, I still question it.

    What makes me believe it’s true, however, is how good you are to share your humanity, grace and wit with us through your Open Heart Project.

    I thank the powers that be that led me by chance to your audio book of How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life at my public library. You opened the door to meditation and mindfulness that has changed my life. Thank Goodness!

  • Posted by:  shawn

    This is such a great lesson and thought to meditate on today. Thank you.

    • Posted by:  Susan

      So glad to hear it, shawn.

  • Posted by:  Karen

    Susan, am I more than how my life is turning out? I am as deep in existential crisis at the age of 47 as I have ever been, trying to find some meaning without a partner I desperately want, children I wanted but don’t and can no longer have, and a job that leaves me creatively bereft but would be very risky to leave for a number of reasons. So, related to your post, how then, can I not have some sense that I caused it all? Certainly, shitty things happen to good, loving people. What to accept, and what to try to change? That is the most enigmatic question of all, especially given the teaching that craving all of these life situations is what causes us to suffer. I am becoming more and more convinced that life is much more about learning to live with the questions than it is about coming up with any answers.

    • Posted by:  Susan

      Karen, the questions you pose are so important and so real. And so unanswerable, at least not in any clean and clear way.

      First, though, I want to say how sorry I am that you find yourself in this crisis. No matter how many explanations for it we could come up with, it would still hurt.

      For better or worse, it seems like the only way out is through. My experience has been that understanding comes through feeling what I am experiencing, rather than thinking about it. So though it’s very difficult, you could open to the feelings, deeply painful as they are, and allow them to co-exist with you without trying to reshape them or get rid of them. This first step is very pacifying.

      Second, you could employ the energy of enriching. In a crisis like this, it is so easy to feel alone and bereft and without options. Instead of trying to clear all of it away (though I wish I could tell you how–and if I knew how, I would!!) you could, when you’re feeling a bit of strength or energy, think about the others in this world who are suffering as you are suffering, from dreams not coming true, feeling lonely, however you would describe it, and wish for all of them (yourself included) relief from exactly this brand of suffering. Imagine that all, all, all of you find such relief and what an amazing thing that would be for each of you, and for the entire world because now we would all get to enjoy your unique gifts and styles of love. Bringing others into the picture can in ways big or small be enriching. Or not. Try it for yourself and see.

      Ultimately, we are each living out a full-on mystery. Buddhist thought would tell you that you are playing out karmic seeds planted from lifetimes and lifetimes. There is not much we can do about what came before. However, we can do anything we’d like to plant seeds for what is to come. There is just no telling whether those seeds will ripen in this lifetime or a future one.

      Sometimes, when I am faced with the same shitty situations over and over and cannot understand why, I try to do what I can to clean up this karma for whoever will be “me” in the next lifetime. It’s kind of a silly way of thinking about it, but it makes me feel so much better to believe that I am using my circumstances to create happiness for someone, somehow, somewhere in the future. Maybe even myself.

      Please keep me posted. xo S

      • Posted by:  Karen

        Explanations don’t alleviate the hurt. Your recognition of this: Instant tears, off-the-face-dropping-into-the-lap tears. And it is the best possible flow of emotions, happening often lately for me in meditation as well. Someone else holding me in understanding. Me, holding myself in understanding, because that’s all meditation is for me, nothing more, nothing less.

        So, the energy of enriching you suggest. I have been thinking about it, maybe, in the sense that it is energy I just don’t have right now. Getting back into my Hospice work. Joining my sangha at the soup kitchen. But maybe that’s not so necessary when the physical and emotional energy just isn’t there in me right now. Maybe it’s about holding others with a different kind of energy. Even if it feels a little woo-woo, how can it possibly drain me to be thinking about others in this way? Thinking of others who just don’t have the energy right now, either, and my love and understanding for each and every one of them.

        • Posted by:  Susan

          Let it flow. This is a wonderful description of meditation practice–being held.

          The enriching actions are definitely for when you have the energy for them. It IS draining to think of giving to others when you haven’t anything to give. So you don’t have to do anything. Just experiment with orienting your mind in this particular way. Like, when you wish you were feeling better, flash for a moment on the others who also wish this for themselves and expand your wish to include them. Imagine all of you being held. Please don’t feel you have to go out and do charitable works when you simply don’t have the energy. Be very, very gentle with yourself. xo S

  • Posted by:  IMLizard

    Here is my favorite quote from ~Conversations With God~
    “You are goodness and mercy and compassion and understanding. You are peace and joy and light. You are forgiveness and patience, strength and courage, a helper in time of need, a comforter in time of sorrow, a healer in time of injury, a teacher in times of confusion. You are the deepest wisdom and the highest truth; the greatest peace and the grandest love. You ARE these things. And in moments of your life you have known yourself as these things. Choose now to know yourself as these things always.”

    • Posted by:  Susan

      Lovely.

    • Posted by:  C. Bouzide

      This is so very wonderful.
      I give you thanks this day.
      Cathi

  • Posted by:  Kellie

    Thank you for your wisdom and insight. I always look forward to your e-mails. I feel your wisdom and experiences will help me with my current heartache. I sit here presently in North Austin 🙂 thinking of ways I could have done things differently and what can be done now to get through the pain all the while forgetting (because I’m dwelling instead of living in the present) that I am good. It’s so hard though to remember than when grief takes over you on a minute-by-minute basis and I can’t for the life of me understand why it’s so much easier to succumb to the pain instead of letting go, picking up the pieces, and moving on. I can’t even find the focus to meditate. Hopefully, I can find solace and learn from your posts. Thank you for all you’ve done.

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