Healthy ways to keep your heart open when friends are too needy
October 12, 2011 | 6 Comments
Stop. Give.
In addition to helping you relax and discover your own wisdom, meditation is a way of softening and opening your heart.
But is it possible to open it too much? I’m sure you have had this experience, of trying to be good and kind and then finding yourself under the thumb of a very needy person. Sometimes it is absolutely necessary to draw the line, but how to do so without abandoning your friend or your commitment to compassion?
On this score, I recently received a question from a member of the Open Heart Project.
Q: “How does one be openhearted and compassionate without being consumed by a friend’s crisis? How does Buddhism explain the self-preservation part of this?”
A: Giving is an act of joy. When the joy disappears for long stretches, or you begin to suspect that your giving is robbing you rather then replenishing you, it’s good to reassess.
Even when your generosity begins from a sense of obligation (and often it does), you can turn it into a gesture of joy by knowing that no matter what, you are going to figure out a way to envelop those you encounter with loving kindness.
Sure, the most common form of giving is time and availability. But giving can take many other forms, the most important of which is to hold this person in your heart with kindness. Here are some suggestions for remaining a generous friend without jumping into the fire with her:
1. Practice loving kindness meditation for her. I give traditional instruction here.
2. Think of her with love when you see or hear something that reminds you of the trouble she is facing. Send her loving kindness by simply thinking, “In this moment, I feel what you feel. I hold you in my heart and wish for you liberation from this difficulty.”
3. Make little gestures of kindness that don’t involve diving into the story of her problems. Send her an email with a review of a movie you think she’d like. Send her a card with a note that says, “thinking of you.” Send her a book you think she might enjoy. Send her things that let he know you care. You don’t have to send her your time, advice, or all the emotional energy you possess.
4. When you do anything that brings you pleasure, no matter how small—enjoying a particularly delicious cup of coffee, encountering only green lights on the drive to work, seeing the delight on your child’s face when he rides his bike—touch in with your moment of delight and simultaneously bring your friend to mind with the wish that she too could experience such feelings. Share your happiness with her in this way.
5. As you end your meditation practice for the day, dedicate the merit of that session to her wellbeing.
In these ways, you can stay away and move close at the same time.
Hope this helps.
PS I’m sure you all can and have come up with all sorts of ways of letting someone know you care without necessarily becoming caught up in their drama. What do you suggest? Tell!
categorized in: open heart project
6 Comments
A very relevant post. I have been experiencing that as well. I have at times questioned my compassion. Susan, your reply has reinforced what I had been thinking. You also have provided me with other valuable tools. Thank you. Suzanne
So glad to hear it, Suzanne.
I am very fond of this post, but it does usher in a question:
for the past few weeks or so friends and family of mine have been drawn to calling other people ‘needy’. It’s been happening very often, even to people I don’t particularly consider such. What is neediness, exactly? I’ve never found it a problem to open myself to people (except by the boundaries of their personal space or if they don’t feel to be spoken to etc.) but so many people, when they are called on to just be there for their friends, fly up and play the ‘needy’ card – even to the point of locking those people off. What is it? And is the declaration of someone else’s ‘neediness’ actually less helpful than being there?
Good question. It’s not always easy to draw the line between what is too needy because it makes inappropriate demands on us vs what is too needy because we feel uncomfortable with what is being asked of us.
#3 gets a cheer! In the past two years, little texts, pictures, and voicemail messages that simply say “thinking of your hotness” or show a great pair of boots in a store window or tell me to “look UP at those clouds!” mean more than I would’ve ever dreamed. Hanging in there long term for a friend or loved one doesn’t always have to mean deep/draining conversations, particularly if there’s little development. Tickling is nice, too.
Tickling is now officially #6!!