Do meditators get pissed off?

September 19, 2011   |   11 Comments

I wrote this in response to a friend who was feeling bad because one of her possessions was stolen–something that she had cared for, paid for in full, and would be expensive to replace. She wrote me feeling that her practice had failed her because she felt so violated and angry that she was questioning the goodness of her fellow humans. Her dilemma really touched me because I have struggled with the same exact feelings. Aren’t spiritual practitioners supposed to feel generous all the time or, when things go wrong, at least recover quickly and be restored to equanimity?

The answer, as you may have guessed, is no. Here is what I said to her:

“…the situation you describe sounds just awful; I would feel exactly as you do: devastated, angry, scared, violated, suspicious, and so on.

The thing about practice is that it does not mean you will feel perpetually non-plussed, nor that you will always feel kind and gentle towards people. (Personally, I was quite chagrined to find this out.)

However, you can begin to recover your softness by offering some kindness and gentleness toward yourself–beginning with cutting yourself a break for your feelings, for being human. Being well-practiced doesn’t mean you won’t get upset at anything, it means that when you do get upset, you are able to turn your attention toward it immediately, on the spot, and open your arms to it, not to condone (or reject) it, but simply to feel it. The more readily you can embrace and inhabit your experience as it is, the more you can deem your practice a “success.” It has nothing to do with never getting upset but is about having the courage and tenderness to own your experience. There is no need to shut out anything, even the so-called “bad” things such as lack of charity and anger–instead, you could open up, allow your humanity, and forego both judging and acting on your feelings. This is where kindness begins. First, as mentioned, toward yourself. From here, such kindness naturally expands to others. It all begins with feeling it toward yourself. This step is so, so important. In fact, it is critical.

Whenever you doubt in the goodness of others, recall your own goodness. When you question the motivation of others, recall a time when your motivations were questioned (whether by another or yourself). And when your belongings (or worse) are taken, offer them. It may be after the fact, but you can turn any experience into a gesture of generosity by doing so. I learned this from a Tibetan teacher with whom I was having lunch a few years ago. He had been pickpocketed in Port Authority the previous day. He had his money and return tickets to India stolen. I asked him if he was mad and he said, “yes, at first. Then I offered it.” I took this to meant that he was a human being who had a natural reaction but then accepted what had happened (because there was no choice) and rather than wishing the thief ill which would only further destroy his own peace of mind, he decided, in his heart, to make of his belongings a gift. You could offer what was stolen, not because you don’t need it or someone needs it more than you or whatever–but simply by saying in your heart something like, “I have no idea how, but may this act of thievery bring benefit to sentient beings.” In this way, you retake the circumstance into your circle of dominion. Instead of feeling victimized by it, you turn it into a gesture of power and magnanimity.

We could each try this, in our own way: allowing ourselves to be deeply human, vulnerable, and scared–and also to make of what is wrongfully taken from us an offering, thereby turning it, for ourselves, into a right action.

Hope this helps.”

Of course, your meditation practice provides the foundation for all of this. First, it teaches you how to turn toward your thoughts and feelings without judgment, simply to allow them. Then it teaches you how, by adopting the stance of observation, to introduce a space between what you feel and what you do. (Very important, that.) Finally, it gives you the precious ability to meet what seems so solid in your mind–anger, judgment, and so on–and know beyond doubt that they will change, you can expand to include them without fear, and by doing so, remain seated in the midst of your own experience like a King or a Queen. There is tremendous dignity in this and it stems from your very simple (though not easy) sitting meditation practice.

[vimeo]http://vimeo.com/29113707[/vimeo]

PS Today, right now, my precious father is having a major surgical procedure. If you would take a moment to send him, Julius Samuel Piver, your love and good wishes today, it would mean so much. I write this from the hospital waiting room, with love and gratitude for your friendship.

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11 Comments

  • Posted by:  Bannerday

    I will keep you, your father and your entire family in my thoughts today. I hope all goes well.

  • Posted by:  C. Bouzide

    Sending healing thought to your father. Thanks so much for this post.
    Peace.

  • Posted by:  Lisa

    Susan–once again one of your posts hits at just the right time. I’m in a full mud puddle fight with anger today. Getting blasted by two customers whose sourness has come out of left field. I’m at a loss. But your words are so helpful & true.

    An extra dose of peace & good wishes for you and your dad today.

    Lisa

  • Posted by:  Tess Giles Marshall

    What helpful post, Susan. I’ve found in my life at times when I’m not in some regular spiritual practice I tend to intentionally prolong the anger, not wanting to allow the gentleness in. It’s energising on a superficial level but essentially deeply destructive.
    Healing thoughts winging their way to you dad.

  • Posted by:  Donn

    May your dad experience wholeness, and may you know peace in the midst of challenge!

  • Posted by:  Susan

    Thank you everyone, so much, for your kind wishes.

  • Posted by:  Hazel

    Susan,
    First, I’d like to send wishes for wellness to your father and peace to you.

    Second, I’d like to thank you for the incredible timing of your post on emotions and our practice. This week my husband is being threatened with a possible lawsuit for something he didn’t do, and I have been facing a possible diagnosis of breast cancer. So many emotions to deal with, so much anger and confusion and fear! I felt let down that my meditation practice didn’t ‘fix’ any of this, but now I understand how my practice can help. Thank you! Blessings.

  • Posted by:  Patti DeSante

    Feeling alot of gratitude towards your beautiful father in this moment for the gift of your presence. May he move through surgery with great grace, may the surgeons who operate on him be fully present to what is needed and may you find peace as you wait.. i sit with you.

    much love
    Patti

    • Posted by:  China

      What libtreaing knowledge. Give me liberty or give me death.

  • Posted by:  Susan

    Patti, this is so wonderful. I appreciate the kind wishes so much.

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