The Step Mothership

January 22, 2008   |   14 Comments

Just started “following” a woman on Twitter (this is not like stalking, you’re supposed to follow people) who blogs about stepmothering. Her stepkid is little, mine is 21. When I married his dad, he was 11 so I’ve been part of his life for a fair amount of time. There have been super-high pros and super-low cons. But—and I’m not just saying this in case he might someday read this—the highs have totally outweighed the lows.

Some chronology:

1994 He is 8. I start dating his dad (Duncan), who is separated from his wife of 18 yrs. By all accounts, son (Duncan Jr.) bursts into tears every time my name is mentioned.

1994-1997 Awful divorce proceedings; situation deemed too fragile for us to even meet. So we have no relationship although I shop for his Xmas presents and do his laundry. Wonder if I’ll always be the maid. They’re a family. I’m not in it. Girlfriends counsel retreat. I hang in.

1997 Our first meeting. Lunch with his dad, him, and his best friend. For safety. He’s 10. I have no idea what to wear. We get a moment alone and I tell him, “Look I know your dad really wants you to like me and your mom really wants you to not like me. (Believe me, this was no secret.) All I ask is that you make up your own mind. I hope you’ll like me but if you don’t, I’ll deal with it.” He looked at me real serious and said, “OK.”

1997-1998 The 3 of us gradually begin to spend time together till it’s a regular thing. He kisses and hugs his dad and I try to make it okay for him to just wave at me. His dad is tormented about whether or not he’s handling the situation well. He is desperate about his son’s happiness. I understand, but also know he’s a bit less desperate about mine. It must be so; I am a grownup. I feel like a second class citizen because I am one. It’s absolutely clear that this relationship (father-son) takes precedence. I understand and even support this. But it still hurts.

1998 We get married and my stepson is best man. “What do I call you,” he says. “Susan,” I say. One of my vows to my husband, “I vow that the love I feel for you will include your beloved son.” I didn’t know how to do it, but really meant it. I liked this kid a lot. And he handled the whole wedding thing like a prince.

1998-2003 He shakes and shivers his way through middle school and then high school. It’s obvious that he’s an artist. It’s obvious that he’s NOT cut out for high school. He freaks out from not getting good grades. His parents don’t know what to do. They start to freak out. Suddenly he’s 6’ tall and weighs 120 lbs. He gets many zits. He grows dreadlocks. They look awful. Zits begin to disappear. He gets a buzz cut and is transformed into a majorly handsome guy. Grows more confident as an artist. Starts picking up my books about Buddhism and develops a real interest. Hey! Guess what? I’m a writer! I’m a Buddhist! We have the exact same interests. Our conversations get deeper. I think he can talk to me maybe a little easier than his parents because step-mothership conveys some distance. By this time, I love him but still my stomach doesn’t walk out the door with him as his parents’ do. The natural cool between stepparent and step kid (relative to birth parents) turns out to have value. This step-parenting thing is pretty okay, I think to myself.

2003 Is it? Time to test. His mom moves to another state. He comes to live with us full time. He’s unpacking his stuff and gets a little choked up. We hug. Over his shoulder I see a photo on our hall table: him as a baby in his father’s arms, his grandfather’s arms around them both. Three generations of Duncans. Can’t protect him from the shifting tides of time. But I can hug him.

Thus begins a year of major adjustment. Unwashed dishes. Wafting smell of pot. Strange inability to make toast without crumb-bombing the kitchen. Inscrutable teenagers watching TV in the living room in the middle of the night. Hey, I don’t remember signing up for this.

2004 He graduates high school and goes on a month-long meditation retreat. He comes home for a week or so and then goes to a week-long workshop with his artist-ideal, Alex Grey. During the workshop he’s surrounded by fellow-artists for the first time. He sees that life isn’t like high school. Alex and his wife Allyson adore him, support him, encourage him. It is the summer of Duncan. He comes home a changed man. He tells me he loves me. I love him too.

2005 He gets rejected from Mass College of Art, his first (and only, basically) choice. Reason? Portfolio: good, grades: bad. He attends community college to get his grades up. Crumbs are still everywhere.

2006 Reapplies. He is accepted. SWEET. Joy throughout the world. He moves into an apartment with a roommate.

2007 My parents are up for a visit. He draws their portrait. He asks if he can call them Grandma and Grandpa. Tears flow. We’re a family.
stepson-his-grandparents.jpg

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14 Comments

  • Posted by:  Dave Wendel

    I enjoyed your chronology of being a step-parent. I am one myself which has been a huge adjustment for me. I do feel that I am lucky in the sense that they were both quite young when I met them and started to get to know them. Currently they are 6 and 10 which leaves me lots of time to work on my relationship with them. Some days are really good and some days are more challenging. Every day that goes by I learn a little more about them and myself and ways that I can better interact with them. As your post shows time and patience are crucial in developing a good relationship.

    Dave

  • Posted by:  Robert Birkenes

    What a lovely chronology, full of the beauty and challenges of the relationship. It sounds like you were able to give him space, and that along with your genuineness eventually allowed him to transform the initial anger into love.

    Oddly enough, within minutes of you posting a new topic, Susan, I can tell that I should check your website. (And no, it’s not stalking or cyber-snooping.) Did I accidentally sign up for some RSS or blog notice thingie that broadcasts on brainwaves? If so, then can’t we use that technology for something more useful instead?!

  • Posted by:  Cathy B

    So lovely to find your site (and your books!) and to read this chronology. I know the story from the other side—my beloved second husband moved in with me and my two children when they were 8 and 12. That he is still my husband and that we have truly become a family is a huge testament to him. I’m most struck by how you gave your stepson space and that you noticed this space is exactly what we (sometimes) overly engaged parents have trouble with! Thank you!!

  • Posted by:  susan

    Dave, it sounds like your stepkids are lucky. It’s one thing to love your own kids and it’s another to genuinely find parental-esque love for other people’s kids. If it’s fake, everyone knows it. But to make it real takes time. Which it sounds like you are well aware of.

    Thanks for taking the time to comment. I appreciate hearing from you.

  • Posted by:  susan

    Robert, thank you for your comment! I’m not being self-deprecating when I say that my stepson is just as responsible as I am for our good relationship. He’s remarkably self-aware and very, very loving. And verbal. Which makes things a lot easier.

    I love that we have psychic RSS!! I just love that. Let’s try to transmit the seeds of enlightenment and see what happens.

    XO

  • Posted by:  susan

    Cathy, hello and thank you so much for commenting. It’s really interesting to hear from the bio parent half of the parenting duo. I’m glad you were struck my some things in my post and I’m struck by your love and appreciation for your husband and his efforts. I can’t imagine that this wasn’t a major part of how you became a family. The bio parent is in such a difficult situation–reconciling love for kids with love for new spouse. Sounds like you and he managed to stay connected throughout. With ups and downs, I’m sure. Bravo.

  • Posted by:  Grant

    Wow. I only wish either of my steps cared half as much at any point along the way. You’re truly an awesome person… but hey, what else would you expect from a Buddhist?

  • Posted by:  Davee

    oh susan, what a wonderful story. thank you for sharing that and getting me all misty. love loved it. 🙂

    i came also to ask a random question; we met at karme choling in recent past but while researching the guardian angels i thought i may have come across your name as well. did you used to wear a red beret?

  • Posted by:  susan

    Davee, yes, that was me in the red beret.

  • Posted by:  susan

    Grant, thanks so much for commenting and I truly wish you the love that you missed from your steps. Hope that doesn’t sound too mushy.

  • Posted by:  jesse

    darn sad to hear you’re married. (ok just kidding, am not that shallow)…found you tonight on twitter, followed (love your comment re: you’re supposed to, it’s not stalking-sure feels like it because of wording=”follow” couldn’t it be, “tag along” or something…lurk was taken i guess…lol.
    sooo, i have had it with this all…all of it…i’m down right determined to change it, all.
    starting with the commander in chief, i hate to go all mainstream and with the “kid” from chicago, but darn it, think of another four years of someone even remotely close to bush? ok, get my point…plus, obama isn’t all that bad even for a politician (i’d work on his cabinet so i hope he doesn’t read this, unlikely).
    k, and…oh yeah…i keep meeting women with kids. I have a kid (i’m a single “mom” (only i’m male) of 13 years now-she’s 15)) and uh…it’s complicated.
    I had two stepsons before i had a kid w/their mom. then had two stepdaughters w/my younger daughters mom- and recently just broke off a 19 month relationship w/ a mom of a boy and a girl…
    now…here’s the meat of this…so i’m feeling like i can’t take another kid being a “used to be” stepkid. I don’t like going in and out of their lives, even in as much as i have-which i try to stay in their lives but that’s been tested seriously by the total breakdown between the one mom and me, and the geography between the others and me…
    so do i just absolutely give up on dating anyone with kids? but I love kids…sigh…you know.
    anyways, kudos for the two of you working thru all that time between 94-97, that had to have been a tough situation.
    oh, and i’m impressed with your blog and site and the appearance you present, or should i say my first impression of that appearance, etc…
    you’d like my aunt…i bet…twitter/clairefrances see what you think…
    thanks…sorry was long…don’t have to save it on your comments, but hope you read it before taking it down…
    best,
    jesse
    http://jesseloop.blogspot.com
    myspace.com/jesatiu
    twitter.com/jesatiu

  • Posted by:  jesse

    oh and also, the real me at:
    http://mypage.iu.edu/~jloop

  • Posted by:  susan

    Jesse! You are Mr. Dad. It’s a difficult situation you present–should you not get with women who have kids BECAUSE you love kids?? It sounds strange but I totally understand. All I can say is I hope you meet an amazing woman with amazing kids and it can be totally simple…one can dream…

    Will check out your aunt–

  • Posted by:  Louise

    What a wonderful description of your relationship with your stepson. I’m not surprised that you love one another. And I know that your parents are thrilled that he calls them “Grandma” and “Grandpa”! Such a compliment! Yes, a complete family!

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